


Crumbling Walls

by KrisLetang



Series: Demons [6]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Anxiety, Barba Whump Wars, F/M, Health Issues, High Risk Pregnancy, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, I’m sorry I hurt Rafi all the time, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Preeclampsia, Pregnancy, Stalking, Violence, labor, mentions of past rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-01
Updated: 2018-02-07
Packaged: 2019-03-12 04:31:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 23,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13539756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrisLetang/pseuds/KrisLetang
Summary: You are progressing in your pregnancy as the trial is rapidly approaching. Who will come out on top of this final showdown, you and Rafael or Casey Mitchell?





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A trip to the prison where overprotective Rafael shows up, your fiancé recounts some childhood horror stories as he opens up finally, and then there is a gender reveal party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s the first chapter of my next piece. Not gonna lie, promos for next week’s episode have me shook. Also I’m going to see Raúl Esparza in Chess at the Kennedy Center (literally dying about this)!! Anyways, I went kinda low on the ratings in this one, if you think it should be bumped up, shoot me a message, I can take care of that. My computer is a being a real bitch right now so I’m gonna blame any formatting errors on my phone lmao. I’d love comments in general and input on baby barba’s gender and name if you guys want to humor me

You accepted the lanyard from the guard, taking a deep breath as you entered the prison. Feet aching from the heels you somehow managed to wedge on, you were a bit slower than Rafael who was angrily stalking ahead. Sonny was back next to you, offering his arm for support which you took. “Are you sure about this Y/N? Barba has a point,” Sonny said softly, but you just nodded,  
“Just because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean I can’t do my job,” you told him. 

“I understand that,” Sonny replied, “But McCollough is really dangerous. High up in a gang. This isn’t some joke,” 

“Sonny, don’t you think Rafael mentioned all of this last night? He’s been fighting it tooth and nail all week,” you sighed, “He even called our boss which is why he’s sleeping in the guest room,” 

“He just cares,” Sonny said softly. You were beginning to get a headache from all of this. Sure, you were 21 weeks, but you weren’t showing that much. Rafael wanted you to be practically doing nothing, and if you stayed home from this interrogation, who’s to say he wouldn’t want you to stay home from court the next time. There were dangerous criminals everywhere in your job. Rafael was waiting at the door for you, 

“Please don’t,” he said softly, “If for no other reason, for me. Please,” you stroked his cheek, 

“Rafi, you worry too much baby,” you whispered, 

“And you don’t worry enough,” he replied, opening the door, “Come on then,” You followed him into the room, taking a seat at the table at his insistence. TJ McCollough was already seated beside his lawyer, smirking. “Mr. McCollough, I hear you have information that could be of use to us,” Rafael said, coming over to take a seat, “I’m ADA Barba, this is Detective Carisi,”

“Who’s the bitch?” He asked, nodding his head at you. Rafael bristled beside you, tensing up. 

“ADA Y/L/N,” you said before Rafael could flip out. 

“Hey, moron, they don’t have to be here ya know. I suggest you get it together if you want this deal,” Sonny said from where he was standing. 

“Go ahead, dazzle me with your offer,” he said boredly. Rafael laid out the terms quickly and sternly. “I’m not impressed,” he finally said, “You’re gonna have to do better,” 

“Mr. McCollough, this is where we are at. You’re going to have to think hard about this,” you said, “You don’t want to go to prison for life, you take this deal. That’s your options,” 

“You don’t want to get in my bad side baby,” he said with a small laugh, 

“Hey,” Rafael exclaimed, but McCollough wasn’t listening. 

“I got friends you know, how far along are you? 20 weeks. You love that little baby?” He asked. Rafael was immediately up to his feet, 

“You better tell your client to shut his mouth,” he growled in as menacing a voice as you’d ever heard from him. 

“No, no, Rafael, let him,” You said, not intimidated one bit by the threats. 

“Ah, is it yours little guy? Really, banging another DA, isn’t that interesting,” the thug said, a sleazy grin on his face. “You like it rough baby? I can send some guys your way to give it to ya,” he reached out and covered your hand with his own. 

“That’s it, we’re leaving,” Rafael practically yanked you out of the chair and toward the door. 

“Nah you’re gonna stay there you piece of crap,” Sonny said to McCollough as Rafael ushered you out of the room. He was squeezing your hand like a vice, redness tinting his face and neck. When he was successfully far enough away and checked out of the prison, standing out on the blacktop, he wrapped his arms around you, drawing you closer to him. His hands rested on your sides, his forehead leaning against yours as his ragged breaths accompanied a few tears. 

“Are you okay?” He whispered, hands running up and down your sides and back. His touches were soft, proving to himself that you were safe and alright. 

“I’m fine Rafael, we talked about this. You can’t freak out like that,” you said in a gentle voice, understanding that he was worried about you, but he was taking it too far. “Are you okay?” He let out a sigh, dropping his head onto your shoulder for just a second. You brushed your fingers over his back, hugging him,

“I’m sorry,” he finally admitted, “This is why I didn’t want you to go in there. I worry Y/N, I don’t want you or our little guy getting hurt,” 

“Little guy?” you asked, “Since when is our baby a ‘little guy?’” Rafael smiled stupidly at you, his hand brushing over your stomach. 

“I don’t know. My mom says if you carry low like that it’s supposed to be a boy,” he replied, “Why can’t we find out? I want to know,” 

“Because Rafael, Liv and Sonny are planning some huge party with a cake and everything, so that’s how we’re going to find out,” you said, laughing softly at him. “Did you feed Brady this morning?” 

“I did,” he said with a sigh, “Isn't that supposed to be your job?” 

“Hey, we’re taking turns remember? I fed him yesterday, today was your turn,” you corrected, taking the hand he offered, “And you’re still not allowed back in the bed,” 

“It was so worth it,” he mumbled, “Also that dog better not be sleeping on my side of the bed. We talked about him staying off the furniture,” 

“Oh but Rafi, he always looks so sad when I make him get down,” you made a pouty face at him, but he just glared this time. 

“Might as well call me Fido and rub my belly….I’m the one you’ve banned from the bed, but that little thing gets to prance around the apartment like he owns it,” he grumbled. You looped an arm around his waist, 

“Oh don’t be grumpy,” you whispered, “If you hadn’t called the DA, trying to get me banned from an interrogation, I wouldn’t have kicked you out,” 

“I know you have to go, so I guess I’ll see you tonight. Be careful,” he finally said, leaning forward for a kiss. You had a court case that you were probably going to be dealing with all day. The defense filed four motions and then you had a pretrial hearing already scheduled; it was insanity. Rafael was doing paper work today. You said your goodbyes and headed to the court house.

………………………

You were laying in bed, in the dark, Brady curled up by your side when you heard it. The noise sounded like panicked crying and for a moment you were confused before you realized it was Rafael. You were up to your feet so quickly you almost tripped in the sheets that were tangled around your legs. You tried to walk quickly, but you barely could do anything in a speedy manner these days anyways; shooting out of bed had zapped you of energy. Pushing open the door of the guest room, you steeled yourself for what would surely be a heart wrenching conversation. Rafael was thrashing around on the bed, murmuring incoherently at times. A light sheen of sweat that covered the bare skin of his back caught the moonlight. “Rafi,” you whispered, sitting on the edge of the bed, your hand hovering over his shoulder. You didn’t want to startle him or scare him more, but you needed to figure out a way to get him up. “Rafa, baby,” You said a little louder. 

“Stop, stop please,” he begged, eyes still squeezed shut, 

“Rafael, it’s okay, you’re safe,” you tried shaking his shoulder, but his arms were flailing now. Finally his eyes shot open, bloodshot and filled with tears.

“What, what? I’m up,” his chest was heaving as he sat up and wiped the sweat from his face. 

“Nightmare?” You asked softly. He stared to wipe at the tears that were escaping his eyes, sucking in a choked breath. “Come here,” You whispered, wrapping your arms around him, fingers sifting through his locks. “I love you. It’s gonna be okay,” 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, dissolving into broken sobs. 

“Shh,” you said gently, “There’s nothing to be sorry for baby,” his hands stroked over your stomach, face pressed against your shoulder. You had a big wet spot on your shirt from his tears. “Do you want some tea?” 

“Don’t leave,” he murmured, so you stayed with him for a little while, stroking his back as he regained his composure. He was still sniffling when he finally let go and accepted your offer of tea. You warned up water and poured it in his favorite mug and put a little sugar in and a little bit of milk. When you returned, Rafael was holding Brady tightly, petting the little puppy who was licking his arm. Brady practically never stopped licking whoever he was with; the vet thought it might be a salt deficiency, and it usually bothered Rafael, but it seemed to be comforting to him at the moment. You handed him the tea, sitting down beside him and rubbing his back softly. 

“Hey, so one of the new interns was trailing me around earlier and his name was Axel,” you said softly, watching his face for a reaction. It turned out he was pickier than you thought about names. When it came to naming Brady, he had rolled his eyes and snorted when you suggested it (honestly you thought it was funny to name your dog after the Brady Rule) and then quietly agreed, but when it came to the baby, he would erase names as fast as you could write them on the whiteboard. 

“Axel?” he asked softly, his face scrunched up.  
“I’ll take that as a no,” you said with a soft laugh, but Rafael wasn’t laughing. He was frowning and staring into his cup. You scooted closer, 

“You okay?” you whispered, knowing he wasn’t. 

“No,” he whispered, shoulders slumped. He wiped at his eyes again. “Can I-can we talk about it?” he finally asked. 

“Yeah, of course baby,” you said moving right next to him, arm going around his waist, but he pulled away slightly. You were suddenly worried, he seemed really guarded, not meeting your eyes. 

“I’ve never told anyone this before,” he admitted, taking a sip of the tea and petting Brady again, “I didn’t tell you everything about what my Dad did to me,” Rafael seemed so exhausted, and you wanted to hold him tight and make it all go away. You hated him having to deal with this, and you were more than a little scared to hear this story. “He used to come into my bedroom at night,” you couldn’t help but cover your mouth, a feeling of icy dread encompassing you. 

“Oh my God Rafael,” you whispered, and suddenly you knew exactly how he felt everyday when he looked at you. It tore you apart inside that he had experienced that feeling that you knew all too well, probably many times and when he was a little boy. The worst part was the man who did it to him was someone he was supposed to be able to trust, someone who was supposed to protect him. You wanted to ask him questions, but you knew he probably wouldn’t want to answer them so instead, you kept your mouth shut, waiting for him to decide if he wanted to continue speaking or not. 

“He would just quietly pull the covers back and I would know. It always hurt so bad, but if I wasn’t quiet, he’d beat the shit out of me,” tears were falling from his eyes again. You pulled him into your arms, his head leaning against your shoulder as you brushed your fingers through his sweaty mop of dark hair. He had finally broken down and grown it out for you and took twice as long to get ready in the morning, but you didn’t mind at all, “I just wanted him to love me,” 

“Shhh, oh Rafael, I’m so sorry,” you weren’t quite sure what else you could say. You knew how deeply this had to hurt. He was shaking so hard Brady felt the need to jump up and lick at his face. 

“I’m okay buddy,” he whispered, pushing the dog away. You scooped him up, setting him on the ground before returning to Rafael. 

“Do you want to tell me about the dream?” You asked softly, rubbing his arm. He sat slumped on the bed, sipping at his tea as he tried to calm down. 

“I was laying in bed and I heard the door open, and he-he...” Rafael ran a nervous hand through his hair, “And then I was just curled up on the floor, shaking and sobbing while he changed the sheets,” his voice was soft, fingers brushing tears away as they escaped despite his best effort. You got a blanket to wrap around his shoulders to try and help the shivering. 

“God, how old were you?” you asked softly, unable to help yourself. He was so much better at not asking questions and simply being there for you.  
“I don’t know, seven,” he said, his breath hitching slightly in his throat. He hiccuped softly, curling up against your side. You took the mug he handed to you and set it on the nightstand, gathering him up into your arms and stroking your hands over his back and hair. His tears soaked through your shirt, arms winding around your midsection as he clung desperately to you. “I’m sorry,” 

“Shh, no, don’t be sorry,” you murmured into his hair as you kissed his head, “I know it hurts, you must have been so scared,” He laid in your arms, crying for short periods of time, rubbing his hand across your stomach at others. You were telling him a story from work when you felt a jolt, and Rafael immediately looked up at you, his red rimmed eyes filled with a glimmer of disbelief.  
“Was that-did the baby just kick?” he asked, looking from your face to where his hand rested on your stomach. You nodded, hand smoothing over his hair again. He let out a soft laugh, “Hey,” he whispered softly, his cheek pressed against your abdomen, “Kicking isn’t very nice. You better quick kicking your Mommy,” You laughed covering his hand with your own. 

“Come on, let’s go to our bed,” you said softly, slowly trying to sit up, groaning softly. Rafael was quickly over to your side, helping you up to your feet and then toward your room. You rested one hand on your stomach, rubbing softly as you slowly took steps. It was exhausting getting around, especially at night when you were tired.  
“You should be asleep,” Rafael sounded regretful, his arm wrapped around your waist, “Not up because of me,” You shook your head, wishing he wouldn’t blame himself. Brady was curled up on Rafael’s pillow when the two of you finally got in the bedroom and turned the lights on. “Seriously,” he grumbled, picking up the little dog and moving him, “Hey, yeah you, look right here. Not on my pillow. No,” the dog slinked away, looking dejected as he curled up in the corner. 

“Aww, Rafi,” you said softly, “Look how sad he looks,” 

“He looks sad because I kicked him out of his favorite nap place—come on, lay down,” he replied, pulling the covers back. 

“He likes how you smell; isn’t that cute? He loves his daddy,” you told him, stroking his chest as he laid down beside you. 

“No, no, no, I am not that little furball’s ‘daddy,’” he insisted. You knew he liked the dog. He had been sick and you had practically forced him to stay home from work a week or so ago. When you came home with soup and went to check on him, he was laying in bed, asleep, holding Brady in his arms like the dog was his favorite stuffed animal. You hadn’t told him you saw, instead laughing about it to yourself when he got like this. 

“Aww but Rafi, he loves you,” you protested, scooting closer so you could hold him. You made a pouty face at him, but he just rolled his eyes and let you start rubbing soothing circles across his chest. “I love you,” 

“I love you too,” He whispered back, “Thank you for listening to me tonight, I knew--I knew I could tell you,” 

“You can tell me anything.” 

………………………

You sat down with a loud sigh, thankful to be off your feet. Sonny brought over a cute little crown that he made you put on, but all you could think about was where Rafael might be. He was late. An hour late. The party hadn’t started yet, but you were concerned about how he might be mentally at the moment and if he was coming at all. He had been the one who was so eager to know the gender, but he had been all nervous and skittish this morning when he left for work. Now he was nowhere to be found. “I’ll call him again,” Liv said softly, a hand on your shoulder. 

“No, let me,” you replied, digging out your phone. You dialed his number, holding it up to your ear as you waited for him to pick up. If he ignored your call, you were going to be upset with him. 

“Hello?” You sighed in relief when his voice filtered through the speaker. He sounded upset. 

“Rafi, where the hell are you? You were supposed to be here an hour ago,” you asked. 

“I-I’m at my Mom’s,” he said, his voice small, “Y/N, I’m nervous. I’m gonna have a panic attack, I’m freaking out,” 

“Slow down, what’s wrong?” You said gently.  
“I got home to change and then I was going to come to the party, but I-I don’t know. I started to freak out a little bit, how are we gonna do this? What if I can’t? I didn’t want to be alone so I just went to my mom’s. I’ve been trying to calm down ever since,” he said breathlessly. 

“Breathe babe. I’m gonna send Liv to come and get you, and we can talk in person. If you need, you can lay down for a bit,” you talked him away from the ledge before hanging up. 

“Where is he?” Liv asked from beside you, “I can go get him,” you gave her Lucia’s address before thanking her profusely. Sonny came over to sit beside you, telling you jokes to try and keep your spirits up. You propped your feet up on a chair, shutting your eyes and running a hand over your forehead. 

“He’s nervous,” you said softly, “He’s so worried and I don’t know how to help,” Finally Liv got there with Rafael who looked like a shaking mess. He seemed on the brink of sobbing, so you stood up slowly, taking his hand and stroking your thumb over his knuckles. “Come on baby, let’s go talk somewhere,”

“Sit down,” he whispered after you made it to a private room. You took a seat in the chair, rubbing your stomach as you waited for him to say something, “I’m just overthinking all of this, but I can’t stop. Finding out the gender is a big step, and I feel so inadequate,” he dropped his head into his hands, “What if I’m terrible,” 

“You won’t be terrible Rafael. I’m gonna be there every step of the way okay? We are going to do this together,” you promised, gently tilting his head up so he was looking at you. “You are going to be amazing okay?” He nodded, but he didn’t look convinced. Stroking your hand through his hair, you pulled him into an embrace as best you could from a seated position. You brushed away the few tears that managed to escape his eyes and kissed his forehead. He finally sniffled a few times and excused himself to the bathroom, promising to meet you out in the main room afterwards. You slowly made your way out there, feeling ginormous as usual, but you knew you were just going to get a lot bigger. 

“Everything okay?” Sonny asked softly. 

“Yeah, can someone get Rafael some coffee? That usually makes him feel better. I think we’re good to go though,” you replied. Sonny left to go get coffee while you strolled around and looked at the decorations. Rafael appeared before long, looking much better than before, and more than a little embarrassed. He was toying with the sleeve of his burgundy sweater that matched your new maternity shirt. You waved him over, taking his hand and showing him all the decorations your friends had hung. He followed you around until people started arriving. You both took a seat as you waited for everyone to get there. Butterflies were exploding in your stomach, excitement about finding out the gender of your baby almost overwhelming. Rafael was still shaking, but only slightly. He looked much happier and calmer. 

“Has the baby been kicking today?” he asked softly. 

“Yeah, a couple times earlier,” you told him, taking his hand and bringing it to your stomach. He rubbed little circles over your shirt, trying to induce some sort of reaction. Like magic, the little flutters began near his hand. 

“Hey,” he whispered, kneeling down by you,“This party is for you cause we love you. No matter what, I will always love you,” his voice broke slightly and with it went your heart. “I just want you to know that,” You ran your fingers through his hair gently, trying not to cry, but the hormones got the better of you. Wiping at your wet cheeks, you rubbed Rafael’s thigh as it sat next to you. “Don’t cry for me,” he whispered. 

“Don’t-Don’t do that Raf,” you replied, “I really love you. You know that?” 

“I love you too, now smile okay? We’re gonna find out if we’re having a girl or a boy,” Rafael said with a grin that didn’t quite reach his eyes. You could, however, see a sparkle of excitement amidst the sadness.

“Y/N!” you turned your head just in time to see Ella rushing toward you. She gathered you up into a tight hug, “Baby sister, how are you doing? You look absolutely glowing, and Rafael, it’s great to see you,” She moved over to hug him. “Are you guys excited? This is so cool,” 

“I can’t wait,” you said, grinning.

“Hey Y/N, here’s that coffee you asked for and I uh, I got you some of that coconut water stuff,” Sonny said coming over. 

“Thank you Sonny,” you replied, taking the coffee and handing it to Rafael. “This is for you,”

“And who might you be?” Ella asked nosily. 

“Sonny Carisi,” the detective said with a big grin, offering his hand to your sister. 

“I’m Ella Y/L/N,” she replied, “So you work with my little sister, how good is she?” 

“Oh she’s fantastic,” they walked off talking to each other, and you sat down. It wasn’t long before it was finally time to cut the cake. Liv brought it over in front of you both, setting it down on the table with a knife. The white frosting was adorned by little pink and blue polka dots. Rafael looked to you, gulping slightly. 

“You ready?” he asked softly, and you nodded, 

“You?” 

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” he whispered, picking up the knife. He put on a sparkling smile, looking up, 

“Cameras ready?” 

“Whenever you two are,” Liv called back. You grabbed ahold of the knife, and together, you made the cut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is literally my personal Barba whump wars fic lmao....I’m sorry


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You work on the nursery and then there’s a major scare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don’t hate me

“Are you sure? Did you look at this one?” he asked, pointing to another patch of paint that was slightly darker than the one you’d chosen twenty minutes ago. You sighed loudly, running a tired hand through your hair. Your head was pounding, it had been for hours. “It’s a little lighter and--”

“Rafael, shut up. I swear to god,” you whispered tensely, “I told you which one I liked. I’m sure,” You were sitting in the rocking chair in what was going to be the nursery as Rafael “helped” pick things out. At first it had been cute, the way he was unsure about all of it, wanting to choose the perfect color, the perfect crib, the perfect everything, but three hours later, it was making the aching sensation in your head so much worse. 

“I just want our daughter to have everything Y/N. This is gonna be her room, and I want it to be perfect,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck. 

“It’s not going to be perfect Rafael. Nothing is perfect. Just paint it the color we chose and please try to relax. I need to go lay down,” you whispered. He was over to your side quickly, helping you up to your feet, his arm wrapping around your waist and his other hand holding onto your elbow to keep you upright. “I can walk fine,” you whispered, but Rafael was not letting go. He sat you down and felt your forehead. His eyes were full of worry and concern as he gently stroked your arm, “My head,” you groaned, leaning forward and resting your head on his shoulder. 

“Are you alright Y/N?” he asked softly, “You said you had a headache earlier,” He was stroking his fingers through your hair and then down your back. He loved you so much. You clung to him almost desperately. You were so emotional, feeling angry and annoyed and then suddenly upset and scared. “Does your head still hurt?”

“That’s an understatement,” you said softly, “And I’m exhausted. Did you know I gained ten pounds in the last week or so? I feel like a fucking elephant Rafi,” Rafael helped you to your feet, walking you toward the bedroom, 

“I think laying down is a good idea,” he murmured, letting you hold onto him. As you neared the bedroom, you felt lightheaded and faint. Suddenly feeling dizzy, you grabbed his wrist, trying to stay upright. He got you into bed and brought a glass of water to put on the nightstand. 

“You could gain fifty pounds and I wouldn’t care, you’re beautiful,” he whispered, kissing your cheek, “Well I might be concerned about your health, but I would never think you weren’t beautiful,” Tears began to prick your eyes, and he wiped them away with his thumb, sitting down beside you and running his hand through your hair, “Try and take a nap,”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

“Hey cariño, we need to go down to the squad room,” Rafael said, sticking his head in your door. You sighed, pushing your chair back from your desk. 

“Can you come over here and get my shoes off the floor for me?” you asked softly. Rafael came over, a soft smile on his face. He knelt down, picking up your shoes and handing them to you. You managed to get them on your feet on your own, and you pushed yourself up out of your chair. Your head was hurting again and your fingers felt huge and swollen. You had to take off your engagement ring because it didn’t fit your finger. Lately it had been on a chain around your neck instead. 

“Woah, hey,” he whispered as you started to lose your balance. He grabbed your wrist, keeping you upright so you didn’t fall. “Hey, what’s wrong?” 

“I feel a bit dizzy,” you whispered, grabbing his arm. 

“Okay, take a couple deep breaths,” he murmured, holding onto you tightly. Your vision finally cleared, and you felt steady on your feet once more. Holding onto Rafael’s hand, you walked down to the cab. It wasn’t until you were walking into the SVU precinct that you felt dizzy again. And then you were more than dizzy, your vision going blurry and you felt light headed. Then there was just something cool against your cheek amidst the blackness. “Y/N, hey, can you hear me cariño?” You could feel Rafael’s gentle touches on your face and arm, but everything felt hazy and fuzzy, a sharp stabbing sensation behind your eyes. “Can you open your eyes for me honey?” You blinked and you could see the blurry outline of your fiancé kneeling by your side. He ran a hand over your hair, “That’s it, I’m right here,” the light made the pounding in your head worse, so you shut your eyes again. “Help is coming, you’re gonna be fine,” 

“Hey Barba, the paramedics are here,” you recognized Sonny’s voice that was coming from the door. 

“Okay, I’m gonna let them get you all hooked up to the gurney but I’ll be with you the whole time after that,” Rafael promised, kissing your cheek before he was just gone. The ambulance ride was hazy through the constant pain in your head and all you could remember was crying and begging Rafael to tell you the baby was okay. He just held your hand and whispered that you needed to calm down and he would tell you as soon as he knew something. Then everything went black again. 

……………………………………

White. Sterile white and beeping. You blinked a few times before looking around. “Hey,” It was Rafael’s voice. He was sitting in a chair not far from your bed. 

“What happened?” You asked softly, trying to sit up. 

“You passed out. The doctor is supposed to be back soon to talk to us,” he said softly, offering you a reassuring smile. 

“Rafi, what’s going on? Tell me she’s okay,” you whispered. Rafael shrugged, 

“I honestly don’t know Y/N, I’m sorry. I wish I could promise you this all is going to be okay, but…” it was then that you noticed the way he was shaking. You didn’t have time to say anything else before your OB/GYN came in. 

“Hey guys, I wish I could say it was good to see you, but I’d rather you weren’t stuck here,” Dr. Montgomery said with a smile. “How are you feeling Y/N?” 

“Not so great,” you said softly, “More than anything I want some answers,” 

“Of course,” she took a seat, moving over to sit near both of you, “Unfortunately I have some bad news for you guys, but I don’t want you to panic because it could be a lot worse,” You didn’t feel comforted. 

“Okay,” you said softly, groping for Rafael’s hand. He squeezed yours tight, moving to sit on the edge of the bed. 

“We detected some abnormalities in your urine sample and with your blood pressure. You have what’s called preeclampsia. Now, at this point it’s very mild, but I want to be as proactive as possible,” Rafael’s hand had tightened around your considerably as Dr. Montgomery spoke. 

“W-What does that mean?” he asked softly, his face white, 

“Basically Y/N’s blood pressure is very high. I’m not going to lie, preeclampsia is very dangerous for both the mother and the baby, but as long as we monitor it very closely, I’m confident we can end up with a good outcome. Any increase in the symptoms needs to be reported to me: vision problems, swelling in your hands or face, headaches, excessive or sudden weight gain, severe abdominal pain, shortness of breath. This is very serious, and if it gets worse then we may need to induce labor or perform an emergency C-section. Our goal here is to maintain the pregnancy as long as possible while still keeping both you and the baby safe. It’s a balancing act. You need to try and have low stress,” she explained. Was lowering your stress level even possible with your job? Rafael’s hands were shaking slightly as he held yours, 

“Could I lose…” he trailed off like he couldn’t even force the words from his mouth. 

“It’s possible that this could be fatal for either one or both of them,” she said, “But like I said, right now we have the best possible scenario here. I know you’re going to hate this Y/N, but I’m recommending strict bed rest, a low sodium diet, and perhaps an anticonvulsant. I would like to see a few more tests before I decide on the medication though,” 

“Anticonvulsant?” Rafael’s voice was almost a squeak,

“I apologize, I should have said this earlier. A severe complication of preeclampsia is seizures which are obviously dangerous for both the mother and the child,” she said. Rafael stood up, his fingers threaded together, resting on top of his head, 

“Excuse me,” he said softly, heading out into the hallway, “I just need some air. I’ll be back,” 

“I don’t want you to stress out about this Y/N, I have to tell you all the possible risks. I’m very optimistic about your case,” she said in a kind tone and it did make you feel better to some degree. You appreciated her taking the time to explain everything to you. You wanted Rafael to come back. 

After Dr. Montgomery left, you were alone to think about everything. Staying home, in bed, all day everyday sounded like nothing short of hell, but if it meant you and the baby would be safe, you would have to do it. A knock on the door startled you, but there was Rafael with a little teddy bear. “Hey,” he said softly, 

“Hey,” you replied. 

“I went for a walk, stopped at the gift shop and got this for you,” Rafael said, coming over to sit beside you. 

“You should probably go home and feed the dog,” you said softly, toying with the blanket. 

“I called Liv and asked if she could leave some food out for him,” he said, “I’m not leaving your side,” You nodded, taking the stuffed animal and then his hand.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You’re feeling very cooped up at home so rafael tries to cheer you up then you have to testify at a pretrial hearing and ask an important question to Liv and Sonny.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter isn’t mean lol

You groaned, dropping your head back onto the pillows. The bedrest had been relaxing at first, less stressful for you than work, but now you were bored out of your mind. You were on extended medical leave, and stuck in bed practically all day everyday. You were gaining weight despite a good diet, and you had told Dr. Montgomery, but she wasn’t changing your treatment plan. A little cold nose started pushing against your hand, interrupting your thoughts, and that’s when you realized Brady had climbed up on the bed with you. “Hey buddy,” you whispered, “Mommy is very bored right now,” Brady just stared back at you before curling up against your side, so you ran a hand through his fur, scratching behind his ear. The tv was on, but it had been on for hours and you were way past being entertained by that. Your back was aching, so you tried to shove a pillow under it to get more comfortable, but it didn’t help much. Everything was aching; your back, your knees, your neck, and you were shifting positions every fifteen minutes or so. 

You weren’t sure how much this was really doing for your stress with the trial coming up so quickly. Mitchell and his attorney had finally, finally run out of delaying tactics and it was coming up on you faster than expected. All you had to do all day was lay in bed, so you couldn’t help but agonize over it from time to time. Rafael was trying very hard to be comforting and to entertain you, but he was busy with work especially now that he was basically pulling double the weight. He’d come home and finish paperwork or he’d paint the nursery, put together the crib, fret over whether you'd taken your medicine or not and then it’d be about time for him to go to bed. He was running himself absolutely ragged. And then there was the minor detail that you weren’t allowed to have sex. With all your hormones running wild, you were literally aching for it, but there was absolutely zero way you’d be able to talk him into that. He wouldn’t even let you reach for something that fell on the floor. He had been finicky about sex even before the bedrest order from Dr. Montgomery. You weren’t sure if it had to do with the miscarriage or what, but once you passed the ten week mark and you stopped feeling so oversensitive, your sex drive had exploded. It was exhausting to try and convince him every time. Your phone buzzed interrupting your thoughts, so you sighed, reaching for it, “Hello?” You asked softly. 

“Hey, mi amor, I’m gonna be home soon. I called the doctor, and I know you’ve been feeling a bit cooped up—” your snort interrupted him. 

“That’s an understatement,” 

“She said we could go out for dinner if you’re feeling up to it,” he said. That brightened your mood considerably. 

“Are you serious? That’s great,” you exclaimed. You started trying to sit up, 

“You better stay in bed until I get home,” he said sternly. You sighed dramatically, 

“Raffiii, I’m so bored it’s cruel,” you complained, 

“You act like you’re being subjected to Chinese water torture or something,” he sounded amused, “I know this is hard, but soon we’ll have a baby and it’s going to be great. I can’t lose you, okay? You have to take good care of yourself,” Damn. That had gone from teasing to heartbreaking in seconds. 

“Okay, okay. I’ll stay in bed until you’re home. Geez,” you whispered, “Please hurry,” 

“Alright. I love you,” Rafael only took an hour or two to get home which you were more than thankful for. You had taken your shower earlier, so you really just needed to get dressed and do your makeup, having brushed your hair in bed. He sat on the edge of the bed, leaning over to kiss your temple, “Hey, how are you feeling?” 

“Like shit,” you said softly, “I’ll feel better as soon as I’m out of this damn bed,” 

“Okay, come here,” he said softly, pulling you into his arms, “I’m sorry this sucks,” he helped you get out of the bed after that, and you felt more than a little shaky. Laying in bed all day, everyday was taxing. You got yourself dressed in something comfortable but nice and then found Rafael waiting in the kitchen. He knelt down, kissing your stomach, “Hey princess, we’re about to go have dinner,” he murmured, “Daddy missed you all day,” You loved watching him talk to the baby. Sometimes when he thought you were asleep, he’d lay his head on your stomach and sing to her or just talk for awhile and it melted your heart every time. He groaned softly as he stood up, taking your hand, 

“Where are we eating babe?” You asked softly, hanging onto his arm a little heavier than you would’ve liked. 

“That French place we went to on our second date,” he replied, locking the apartment door behind you. “Here, careful on the stairs,” he was holding onto your arm tightly as you took a few steps. 

“Calm down Rafael. I’m fine,” you whispered, but you held onto him until you reached the ground floor. 

“It’s a little icy out,” Rafael whispered, looping his arm around your waist before you walked out the door onto the sidewalk, “Is that a new shirt?” He was hailing a cab when he asked. 

“Yeah, Ella bought it for me,” you told him as you climbed into the car. 

“Well I like it, that color looks gorgeous on you,” he told you. You laid your head on his shoulder in the car, enjoying the time you had to spend with him. It seemed like you barely got to talk to him sometimes with everything that was going on. 

“How’s the squad holding up without me?” You asked, drawing little shapes on his hand with your finger. 

“Carisi asks me almost everyday how you’re doing,” he said with a smile, “And I miss seeing you at work everyday. Poor Jerome doesn’t know what to do with himself. He’s been hanging around Carmen’s desk all day when he’s not filing for me or answering your phone,” 

“What if we asked Sonny and Liv to be her godparents?” You asked softly, rubbing circles on your stomach. 

“Carisi?” Rafael asked softly. 

“He’s good with kids babe, and he’s a practicing catholic. He’ll love that, and I know he’d take very good care of our daughter if something happened to us,” you explained. 

“Yeah, that’s probably not a bad idea. I don’t even want to think about something like that,” he admitted. 

“You of all people know life doesn’t always go the way we want,” you whispered, rubbing his arm, “It’s just a precaution. I wouldn’t want our daughter to be stuck with my parents, and your mom doesn’t have time to take care of a little kid and money would be a problem when she retired,” 

“I know, I know. You’re right,” his larger hand covered yours, his thumb rubbing circles over your shirt. Your stomach was huge at this point, like a backpack that was stuffed to the limit strapped onto your front. You couldn’t see your feet much less tie shoes, but that wasn’t much of a problem considering you couldn’t stuff your feet into anything that would tie anyways. When you got to the restaurant, Rafael pulled the chair out for you and basically let you talk his ear off the whole time you ate, no interruptions. He was one who constantly had an opinion, he almost never shut his mouth especially after work, but the whole meal he listened to you talk and didn’t weigh in much at all. 

“What’s up with you tonight?” You asked softly, wondering if he was having nightmares again. 

“I didn’t just bring you out here for nothing. I uh, I’ve been buttering you up,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck, “Do you want dessert?” 

“No, not after that. How about you tell me. Now,” you said seriously, resting your hands on your baby bump. 

“The trial,” he said softly, “The trial is starting really soon. Mitchell’s lawyer is challenging the evidentiary chain of custody on the panties. After that, it’s jury selections,” 

“Are you serious?” You asked. You’d been waiting for months for the trial to start but as it looked closer and closer, your anxiety levels rose higher and higher. You were going to have to tell everyone what happened to you, that you went into that office alone with him. 

“Okay, please try to stay calm. Your blood pressure,” he reminded you, moving to stand up. “You’re going to make it through that Y/N. You faced him in real life cariño, you can face him in court. I know you can,” 

“I don’t know Rafael,” you whispered, trying to get a grip on your emotions. You rubbed circles across your stomach, tears clouding your vision. You could just imagine it, sitting up on that stand, twelve people staring at you as you told Michael Cutter all about your assault, every shameful, embarrassing detail that no one else should ever have to know. And then Casey Mitchell would stand up from the defense table and question you himself because why not? After everything, it would only make sense that you had to take that too. You would have to look him in the eye as he tried to twist everything, to say that you wanted what he did to you. He could grill you on it, ask you questions just to embarrass you, he could bring up your relationship with Rafael. He could yell at you, Cutter could object, but you would still have to sit through that. 

“I don’t know what to do to help,” he said softly, “I-I...do you want a glass of water?” Rafael was on his feet now, coming over to your side. He wrapped you up in a hug, hand smoothing over your hair. “I’m sorry you have to go through this,” 

“I’m okay, I’m alright,” you insisted, wiping at your eyes, “Can we go home? I want to go home,” Rafael’s green eyes shot up to meet yours, a look that could only be described as heartbroken deep in the emerald irises. You always heard that eyes were the windows to the soul, but it wasn’t something you ever fully understood until you met Rafael, the man with the most expressive eyes you had ever seen in your life. Reading his moods was as simple as looking him in the eyes. Looking incredibly worried, he asked for the check and then helped you out to a cab. 

“A-are you sure you want to go home. We could go somewhere for awhile,” he offered, climbing in beside you. You wiped at your eyes again, sniffling softly. You really wanted to go home and take a bath and then curl up on the couch with Rafael. Despite having spent your whole day in bed and wanting to get out all day, you wanted to shut your eyes in the dark and cry. You didn’t want to make Rafael feel bad, to feel like he ruined your night or anything, so you decided to try and go somewhere with him. To try and calm down and make do with what you could get. If you didn’t take advantage of this situation and enjoy the little time you could spend out of bed, you would hate yourself tomorrow and you might just go crazy. 

“Where do you want to go?” you asked softly. 

“Hey guys, are we goin’ somewhere or not?” the cabbie interrupted your conversation. 

“Hey buddy, why don’t you shut up and I’ll have an answer for you in a couple seconds,” Rafael replied almost immediately, “I had something in mind, but if you really want to go home, I don’t want you to go out on my accord,” 

“Let’s go,” you whispered, and he nodded. Rafael leaned forward, giving the cabbie the address while you tried to get yourself under control. Rafael laced your fingers together, 

“I’m going to do everything I can to protect you when you’re up on that stand. I won’t be prosecuting, but I’m working close with Cutter on this,” he promised, “Everyone has your back,” 

“Everyone Rafael? I’m not even convinced Cutter believes me,” you said softly. 

“He agreed to move forward didn’t he?” your fiancé argued. You didn’t really know how to respond to that. He was right; Cutter did agree to charge Mitchell, but it had taken a lot of evidence to convince him to take it on. You knew Liv and the squad believed you, but otherwise it was a shot in the dark. How were they supposed to believe you? While you had your own stellar reputation, Casey Mitchell was a well regarded Executive Assistant District Attorney who worked sex crimes. He had a long history of convictions and a whole network of connections. His defense attorney would be piling character witness after character witness up on that stand to insist on the innocence of his client. Mitchell had waived his right to a Grand Jury as he knew indictments like that could reflect more than poorly on the defendant with a competent prosecutor. Indictments were finicky, and it wasn’t hard to twist witnesses around on the stand with no opportunity of a cross examination, but honestly, you weren’t sure if it was more of an intimidation tactic than a strategic one. He was looking you right in the eye and challenging you to face him in court. He was eating this right up. “Mi amor,” Rafael’s voice startled you. You looked over at him, “We’re here,” 

“Oh right, sorry,” you let him help you out of the car, and then you finally realized where you were. The tall building was lighting up the night sky, towering over other buildings. “The Empire State Building?” you said curiously, “I thought I wasn’t allowed to be doing much walking,” 

“We’re just going up the elevator,” he said, an amused smile on his face, “Come now, you don’t think I would overlook such an important detail, do you?” No he definitely wouldn’t. You followed him in, leaning against the railing as the elevator started up. There weren’t many other people there which surprised you, but you imagined it had something to do with the time of night. When you made it up to the observation deck, Rafael got you a chair to sit down, and you leaned back against him. He rested his hands on your shoulders, rubbing soft circles in your muscles. The night sky was absolutely gorgeous and you felt like you could see all of New York from that height. The glow of lights from the buildings illuminated the darkness, but you could faintly see a dusting of stars, a rarity in the city. “Are you warm enough?” He asked softly, and you nodded. When you were finally back in the cab, heading home, Rafael whispered, “Only ten more weeks Y/N, I know that seems like a lot, but you’ve made it through thirty,” you nodded, grabbing his hand and holding it tight. You could do this for your daughter.   
……………………………………

Rafael was helping you down the stairs of the courthouse after the final pretrial hearing. The judge had wanted to listen to your story of what happened with the panties during your assault and she had denied the defense’s motion to suppress. The stairs were a lot of work for you, leaving you out of breath and hanging tightly to Rafael for support. “Hey Counselor! Hey wait up!” It was Sonny’s voice that was calling out behind you. He and Liv appeared by your side fairly quickly. 

“Hey guys,” Rafael said with a smile, “Can you stay here for a second with Y/N while I go talk to Cutter really quick?” He asked. Liv and Sonny agreed, and you moved to hold onto to Sonny’s arm instead. 

“How are you feeling? You look glowing,” Sonny said softly. 

“I’m exhausted to be honest,” you replied, “Do you guys have time for lunch? Rafael and I wanted to talk to both of you,” 

“Yeah, I think we have some down time right Lieu?” Sonny replied. 

“Definitely,” she said with a smile. 

“Hey Y/N,” you froze at the sound of his voice. 

“That doesn’t look like 300 yards to me Mitchell,” Sonny said, stepping in front of you. 

“Sonny, let me handle this,” You said softly, suddenly overcome by bravery. 

“You look nice,” he said, shoving his hands in his pockets, “I was wondering if you wanted to go—”

“Casey,” you kept your voice even, “I don’t know if you have something going on psychiatrically, but I am not interested in you. Period. You raped me. I didn’t like it, I didn’t want it, and you don't seem to be getting the memo. There is nothing between us. I am having Rafael’s baby and then I am marrying him,” He looked a bit shell shocked, backing away from you silently. 

“Woah, Y/N, that was badass,” Sonny said softly. You were breathing a bit heavier, unsure of what to say now. Having released a lot of rage in one sentence, you felt slightly overwhelmed. 

“Hey, what just happened?” Rafael was quickly rushing over, “Was that Mitchell?” 

“Yeah, yeah,” you said softly, 

“Breathe, your blood pressure,” he whispered. 

“I know,” you snapped. He wasn’t helping you calm down at all. All you wanted was to go somewhere else, to stop thinking about Mitchell and this trial. “Let’s just go out to lunch, please,” He nodded, 

“You asked?” 

“Yeah, let’s, let’s go,” the four of you rode in Liv’s car to a little deli that was down the street from the court house. You sat at the table, dropping your head into your hands, trying not to cry. You just needed to breathe. Rafael rubbed his hand over your back, ordering a drink for you when the waitress came by. Liv and Sonny were considerately patient as you composed yourself. “Sorry guys, I needed a couple minutes,” you whispered. 

“You did really good today during that hearing,” Sonny said with a grin. He covered your hand with his. 

“Thanks Sonny,” you murmured. 

“So, have you guys picked a name yet?” Liv asked. You turned to Rafael and shot him a look, 

“Someone is very picky,” you said with a laugh, “He has shot down just about everything I’ve come up with,”

“Hey, I picked a middle name at least,” Rafael argued.

“Yes, we did choose a middle name. Lucia,” you told them. Liv and Sonny both grinned. 

“That’s absolutely adorable, like your Mom right?” Carisi remarked. Rafael nodded, smiling as he looked over at your stomach. 

“So uh, we wanted to ask you two an important question,” Rafael said softly, looking back up. He paused as the waiter brought your food over and set it on the table. 

“We wanted to know if you’d be interested in being our daughter’s godparents?” you asked, taking Rafael’s hand. Sonny’s eyes lit up, a huge smile spreading across his face. Liv’s eyes went wide, looking surprised for a moment before she grinned as well. 

“Oh, wow,” Liv said, “I’d be honored,”

“That goes double for me,” Sonny said before he started to gush about all the things he wanted to do with your daughter like teach her how to ride a bike and take her shopping for her prom dress.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The shit hits the fan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn’t really realize how straight to the point I got...wow. I know you guys are gonna be mad at me :/ sorry. I had a really shitty day at work today, so idk how much I’ll write tonight, we’ll see if I get a chapter up tomorrow or not....sorry. Hope you guys enjoy! Don’t be afraid to share your rage hahaha

You blinked blearily as Rafael’s alarm started blaring. He groaned softly from where he was laying beside you. Moving slowly, he sat up and yawned, his hand stroking over your back, “Hey,” he whispered, figuring you were awake. You slowly shifted around to sit up. “How are you feeling?” He asked softly. The day before, you had fallen when you were getting the mail. Dr. Montgomery had told you a little bit of exercise as you got closer to the due date wasn’t a bad idea, so you would walk for thirty minutes when you could, but you had tripped on the stairs. Needless to say, that had been the most terrifying twenty minutes of your life. A paramedic had checked you out, and Rafael rushed to the hospital where they did an ultrasound and an exam, but you had been completely fine. 

“Sore,” You said softly. Rafael rubbed his hand gently over your stomach, like he was trying to soothe the pain. 

“Only seven more weeks,” he whispered, “Seven weeks til we get to meet our little princess,” 

You sucked in a sharp breath as the kicking started. She had been vicious lately, hard kicks landing right below your ribs. “She’s kicking,” You said softly, rubbing your hand over the area he had just been touching. 

“Did you know both your mommy and I are lawyers, and someday, you might want to be a lawyer too or maybe not. I want you to know that no matter what you want to do in life, Mommy and I are going to support you princessa. We want you to be happy,” Rafael started talking to your belly, leaning his head down so he was at eye level with it. You laughed softly, stroking his hair. His voice often would sooth the baby and stop the kicking. He would start saying whatever came to his mind which would sometimes be stories from work, sometimes plans for the future, sometimes it was even the story of how you met. Sure enough, the kicking stopped, finally, which made you feel so much better. He pressed a kiss over your shirt, “Alright, Daddy has to go to work now, you be good for Mommy. Bye Mommy,” he said teasingly, kissing you sweetly. 

“I love you baby, have a good day,” you whispered, “I’ll see you tonight,” Rafael didn’t stop kissing you though. 

“I feel weird today,” he whispered, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel like I’m not going to see you again,” Your brows knit in confusion. 

“You’re going to be okay, you’ll come home tonight and we’ll watch a movie. Then I’m gonna hold you,” you whispered, brushing your fingers through his hair, “I love you,” 

“I love you more,” one more lingering hug and then he was gone, out to take a shower and get dressed before heading to work. You fell back asleep for awhile before it was time for you to get up and take a shower. As you stood under the warm spray of water, you began to worry about Rafael. He had been putting up a good front, especially lately as you had been down and depressed from the constant bed rest, but you knew he was having a hard time. You weren’t sure if it was nightmares or if he was merely nervous, but he would come home with whiskey on his breath some nights or you would catch him staring off into space instead of reading the book that was in his hand. Little things like the way his eyes would sparkle when he laughed or the way he liked to talk your ears off were gone. You had been trying to get him to talk to you about it the week before. He had crawled into bed long after you had turned the lights out, his arms curling around your waist. You had smelled the whiskey the moment he opened the door, and it was almost overwhelming when he kissed your neck, 

“Are you okay?” you had asked, and he had brushed it off. “Please talk to me Rafael, I want to help,” 

“It was just this case I was working on today. How do people not notice child abuse?” he whispered, “This little boy had cigarette burns all over his body,” his voice cracked, and you could see the sparkling tears that were filling his eyes as your turned your head to look at him, “He went to school for days until he finally passed out on the playground because his mother had forced him to drink bleach. No one did anything for him,” 

“Oh Rafi,” you whispered, stroking his hand that was on your stomach, “Baby, that’s a hard case,” 

“You know there were days, weeks at a time when I couldn’t walk straight or sit down. There was blood in my underwear. No one ever did anything, no one noticed, and no one helped,” he leaned his face against the back of your shoulder and stopped talking. You tried to get him to talk to you more, but he was done after that, refusing to say more. You wanted to do something to cheer him up and to cheer yourself up. Dr. Montgomery had approved thirty minutes of exercise everyday, and you didn’t see why that couldn’t be taken up by a visit to the DA’s office for lunch. Rafael surely would be upset, but you figured it would be worth it. You got dressed, grabbing your phone and heading out the door. The ride over felt long, but as you got closer, you got more excited. You had already called Carmen to stall him from going out to lunch and put an order in for delivery from a restaurant. Walking into the building, you checked in with security and then headed back to his office where Carmen gave you a look, 

“Hey, thank you,” you said softly. 

“He’s not in a good mood, someone down at evidence lost a whole box of stuff. He’s on the phone right now,” she told you, “Good luck,” 

“Oh, he’s gonna be more upset when he sees me, sorry,” you whispered with a laugh, knocking on his door. 

“Carmen I said no visitors,” he bellowed. He had been in such a good mood when he left too. “No not you, how the hell do you lose an entire box of it? How do you lose any of it? That’s your job. No, be assured I will be talking with your boss,” he hung up and started muttering about incompetence. 

“Hey,” you said softly from the doorway. His eyes shot up, widening with worry, 

“What are you doing out of bed Y/N!?” He asked rushing over to your side now, 

“Well hello to you too babe,” you whispered, letting him guide you over to a chair to sit down. 

“Oh don’t give me that. You know you’re not supposed to be here,” he scolded, starting to fuss over you. “How are you feeling?” He grabbed for your wrist to feel your pulse. 

“I’m fine Rafael. I’m allowed thirty minutes of exercise remember,” you shot back, “And I came here to have lunch with you,” 

“Well I can’t say I’m not glad to see you, but you have got to be careful,” Rafael was still trying to assure himself you were okay, “You fell yesterday,” 

“I’m fine honey,” you promised, taking his hand. 

“Guys your lunch is here,” Carmen said, poking her head in. 

“You got lunch?” He asked, “Is this why you were practically body blocking me on the way out the door earlier?” He looked suspicious for a few seconds before he exclaimed, “Is there actually a missing box of evidence or did you make that up?” 

“Rafael, she didn’t have someone take an angry phone call from you to keep you from leaving for lunch,” you said with a laugh. 

“I wouldn’t put it past you,” he said, glaring at you, 

“Me?” You said innocently, but Rafael just huffed, heading out to get the food from the delivery man. You leaned back, rubbing circles across your belly. At this point, you were absolutely giant. You needed to eat, and you felt like you had to pee again even though you had just gone not that long ago. It felt like it was every ten minutes at this point. You struggled up to your feet to head to the bathroom. On the way out the door, you turned to Carmen, “Tell him I went to the restroom so he doesn’t have an aneurism when he comes back,” Carmen laughed. You hurried to the bathroom, but when you sat down on the toilet, there was suddenly what felt like a hard kick from the baby and then a large gush of fluid. You felt like you had just lost all the weight you gained during your pregnancy. Now that you thought about it, you had been feeling slight cramping all morning, but you hadn’t thought anything of it because of the accident yesterday. The doctor had said you might cramp up a little. “Oh my God,” You whispered. You cleaned yourself up, heading to find Rafael who had settled on the couch, rolling up his sleeves and picking at his Chinese food as he did something on his phone. 

“Hey,” he said as you came in, “I’m actually glad you came in, I wanted to ask you—”

“Rafi,” You said grabbing onto the back of a chair to steady yourself, “We need to go to the hospital,” He slowly looked up from his phone at you, frozen until the noodles on his fork slipped off onto his pants. 

“Shit,” he hissed, grabbing a napkin and starting to wipe his pants as he stood up. “What-what are you talking about?” 

“My water just broke,” somehow his eyes grew comically wider as he rushed over to your side. He rubbed your back softly, 

“Okay, okay, breathe,” he said, but he was the one that needed to breathe. “Um, I read you could get sent home from the hospital if it’s too early, so I’m going to have Carmen take you for a walk and if it makes the contractions worse, we need to leave. I’m going to gather up my stuff. How—you’re only thirty-three weeks,” You were too busy cringing from the pain to answer him. Carmen helped you out into the hallway to walk laps for a few minutes.   
…………………………..

Rafael was in a blind panic, grabbing papers and stuffing them into his briefcase. He was searching for his phone that he had set down just a few minutes ago...somewhere. He needed to call the doctor and a cab. He was supposed to have more time, the baby wasn’t supposed to be born for another seven weeks. Were her lungs developed enough? Was she going to have to stay in the NICU? Was she going to survive? All of these questions were running through his mind as he scrambled, dropping files onto the floor as his hands shook. He didn’t even know what was important anymore. He heard someone at the door. His phone was peeking out from under a paper thankfully so he grabbed it, “I’ll be ready in just a second Y/N,” he said before he actually looked up and saw who was at the door. 

“Hey Rafael,” Casey Mitchell’s eyes were bloodshot as he stared at Rafael. He laughed bitterly, “I remember when you first started at the DA’s office in Brooklyn,” 

“What do you want Mitchell, you know you’re not supposed to be here,” Rafael practically growled. 

“You know, I had a chance, I had a real chance with her before you came along and fucked everything up,” he said, coming further into the room. Rafael was now concerned. “I love her,” 

“You never had a chance. You raped her, and you broke her. She’s spent the last year of her life trying to put herself back together because of what you did to her,” Rafael bit back. He couldn’t help himself from getting angry. 

“I bet when you make love to her, she thinks of me,” he snarled. 

“You haunt her dreams. She wakes up screaming because of you. I’m done arguing with you, I’m calling security and then I’m going to the hospital to see my baby be born,” Rafael picked up the phone, but Casey pulled out a gun. 

“Put the phone down Barba,” he growled. Rafael dropped the phone so fast the whole thing tumbled onto the floor. “You’re gonna have to miss the birth, my condolences,” he said sarcastically, coming closer. 

“Come on Mitchell, don’t do this. You have options,” Rafael said shakily, trying to reason with the man. He held his hands up, trying to make it through the situation without getting hurt. 

“If I can’t have Y/N, no one can,” he said softly, “Get on your knees and beg me not to go out there and shoot her. Beg me to shoot you,” Rafael dropped to his knees immediately. 

“Please, please shoot me,” he said softly, tears starting to roll down his cheeks. He didn’t want to leave you alone to raise the baby. His daughter, it broke him apart inside that he might never get to meet her. “Please,” He never got to say goodbye to you. He wanted to tell you he loved you one more time, to hold you in his arms and feel better about life for ten more minutes. “If you love her, you’ll shoot me, not her. You don’t kill the woman you love Mitchell,” All Rafael heard was a loud crack and then there was ringing in his skull. He was dazed only a few moments before he realized Mitchell had pistol whipped him in the face, not shot him, 

“You don’t tell me what to do you son of a bitch,” he growled. And then there was a deafening sound and Rafael was on the floor, the sticky feeling of blood coating his back and soaking through his shirt and vest until the material was warm and tacky against his skin. Every breath felt like it was torn out of him, and he weakly reached up to feel his chest, wheezing as he tried to get air in. Another deafening sound and briefly he thought Mitchell may have shot him a second time, but the sound of a body thumping to the floor relieved that fear. His hand came away smeared with the crimson liquid that was seeping rapidly from his body. He could feel the wetness of his cheeks as he tried to stop sobbing because the heaving of his chest was worsening the pain. The last thing he saw as his vision began to go black was your face as you knelt over him, “Don’t cry...your blood pressure,” he managed to whisper. The sweet sound of your tear-filled laughter reached his ears as he gave into the pull of the dark.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath and labor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s the next chapter, ik you guys are probably still mad about last night’s chapter 

You were walking up and down the hallway, holding Carmen’s hand in a vice grip. You gasped as another contraction tore through you. It felt like the baby was stretching its arms and legs as wide as it could, the muscles in your abdomen tightening up like a fist and then the pain was gone. As you walked, the contractions were quickly getting more and more painful. “Oh my god,” you whispered, gasping slightly, “We need to go—let’s go back. Rafael needs to take me to the hospital now,” She helped you back toward his office, and you were about halfway there when you heard the deafening sound of a gunshot and then seconds later another one. What terrified you the most was it sounded like it came from somewhere close to Rafael’s office. Walking faster, you saw through the crack in the door, the slumped form of a body on the ground and you went into a panic. You shoved open the door and the covered your mouth at the gruesome scene in front of you. Casey Mitchell laid in the middle of the room, blood seeping from a gunshot wound to his head, the gun beside his hand. Rafael was beside his desk, on his back, blood pouring from his chest as he coughed and wheezed. As you got closer, you could see the tears that soaked his cheeks. “Rafi,” you whispered desperately, kneeling down beside him with a lot of effort. Tears were pouring from your eyes as you stroked his face, “Just try to breathe baby,”

“Don’t cry,” He croaked. His eyes looked glazed over and unfocused, “Your blood pressure,” you couldn’t help but laugh through the tears as he tried to worry about you after having been shot. And then he stopped making noise. He went completely limp, his body still and unmoving. You smacked his face lightly,

“Rafael,” he didn’t react, his jaw going slack, “Rafael Barba, don’t you dare die on me,” You hissed, pressing your hands against his wound. The gun shot was worryingly close to his heart. You scrambled to grab his coat and press it over the bleeding as you searched for a pulse with your other hand. When you found none, you felt a sinking feeling of dread encompass you. A hand on your shoulder startled you from your panicked care for Rafael, and you saw Liv kneeling behind you,

“Oh my God, what happened?” She whispered,

“CPR, he needs CPR,” you managed to whisper. Liv nodded, moving to feel for a pulse and then she started chest compressions,

“Come on Rafael, come on,” She whispered. Fin moved to kneel down beside her and hold the fabric over Rafael’s wound. Sonny helped you up to your feet,

“We called an ambulance, now come on,” he whispered. You nodded numbly, following him out the door until a contraction made you stop in your tracks,

“Ohh, Sonny, I need-I need to go to the hospital,” you hissed, gripping his arm.

“Okay sit down, an ambulance is on its way. I’m gonna talk to Liv really quick and see what’s going on and then we’ll figure this out. I’m sure we have some time before we need to go,” he said, trying to calm you down, “Do some deep breathing, I’ll be right back,” You sunk down in the chair, covering your mouth as you started to sob. Rafael was dead. He had literally died. Where was the ambulance? They needed to get here and fix it now because you couldn’t raise this baby all on your own.

“Rafi,” you sobbed, “Please don’t die, please,”

“It’s gonna be okay,” Jerome said softly from beside you, “The ambulance will be here soon,” he started to rub your arm softly, trying to provide some sort of comfort.

“Casey shot him,” you whispered, “He shot Rafael in the chest. This is all my fault,”

“Y/N,” Sonny called, racing over to you, “Liv got Rafael’s heart started again with the AED, they’re trying to control the bleeding. The paramedics should be here soon,” That just made you cry harder; he had to be shocked with an AED because his heart stopped.

“He’s alive,” Jerome’s statement did help you to some degree. Rafael was alive and that was what mattered at the moment.

“Okay, okay, he’s alive,” you whispered, trying to get ahold of yourself. “Ahh,” the cry was torn out of you by another contraction, and afterwards you couldn’t help but sniffle again. You wanted Rafael so badly. You wanted him to hold your hand and coach you on like you had planned at the birthing classes you went to together.

* _You were sitting in the chair, watching amusedly as Rafael strapped a stuffed backpack onto himself. “I feel ridiculous,” he said softly, laughing. You grinned,_

_“How do you think I feel?” you whispered back._

_“Okay Daddys, now we’re going to try and tie our shoes,” you laughed as you watched him struggle to bend over and reach the laces of his sneakers._

_“Oh ha ha,” he said softly, “Laugh it up,” Afterwards, you sat down, back against his chest as you tried to breathe on the rhythm. “You’ve got this,” he whispered softly, “Breathe, that’s right, in for four, out for four,” He was already going to be a pro during labor, you could tell. If Rafael was there to talk you through it, you had full confidence that you’d be able to get through the birth. “Have you decided if you want medication?” he asked softly, “I might cry if you cry,”_

_“You’re gonna cry?” you asked softly, “At least you don’t have to push something the size of a watermelon out of your penis,” Rafael’s face turned a little pale at the thought of that. “Yeah, that’s what I thought,” His face was even more comical when they showed the videos of live birth._

_“I might be sick,” he whispered, “I think I need to lay down,”_

_“I’m with you there,” you murmured back._ *

Your favorite part had been the labor and pushing positions. It just felt so intimate with Rafael. You loved the idea of him being there to hold you between contractions. You had been clinging to him, leaning your head on his shoulder and slowly bending your knees as you swayed from side to side for the labor position and then when you were practicing the breathing and pushing, Rafael had been seated behind you, his arms wrapped around you. Right now, more than anything, you wanted him. “Sonny,” you whispered tearily, “I can’t do this. I can’t do it without him,”

“Don’t talk like that. Look, I’ve got you. Whatever Rafael was going to do, you tell me to do, and I’m there. I’ve got you covered Counselor,” he said, rubbing your back gently.

“Drop the Counselor if we’re going to do this,” you said softly. You stood up, grabbing his arm, “I want to go see him,”

“I don’t know,” he whispered, but you weren’t giving up that easily. Sonny finally relented and walked you into the room where they were still trying to stop the blood that was gushing from Rafael’s chest. You very carefully knelt down by Rafael’s head, stroking his hair,

“It’s going to be okay baby,” you whispered, “You’re going to be okay,” His eyes would flutter open for seconds at a time, always pain-filled and hazy, but he was conscious. “I’m right here,” you promised. Tears were leaking from his eyes, his breaths loud and wheezing with pain. It felt like an eternity before the paramedics arrived and started to get him loaded up on a stretcher. He was halfway on when he went limp again and they started CPR for a second time. You held Sonny’s hand, sniffling as they carted him away, getting ready to use the AED again. It was a fight against time.

“I’m going to ride along,” Liv promised, “Carisi, you take good care of her, I’ve got Rafa,”

“Okay Y/N, come on, let’s go to my car. We’re gonna head to the hospital now,” Sonny and Jerome helped you out to his car where you laid down and tried to relax. You could barely breathe when you thought about everything that had happened. It had been so important to Rafael to be at everything, and you knew missing your baby’s birth, no matter how good the reason, was going to tear him apart inside. You didn’t want to even think about the fact that he might not survive. “Do you have anyone you can call?” Sonny asked as he climbed in the car.

“Can you call Lucia? I can’t-I just can’t,” you whispered, “I’m gonna call my sister,” Sonny nodded, pulling his phone out.

“Mrs. Barba? This is Sonny Carisi,” a short pause, “Yes, I do work with Rafael. I’m calling you to let you know he’s been in an accident. They aren’t sure. He’s headed to New York Presbyterian. Yeah Y/N is in car right now,” he glanced over at you. You held your hand out, knowing she’d want to talk to you.

“Hey Lucia,” You said softly,

“Y/N, are you okay darling?” She asked. You sniffled, wiping at your eyes.

“Yeah, I just went into labor. I’m headed to the hospital to have the baby. I was hoping you could come to be with Rafael while I can’t,” you explained.

“Of course, I’m getting my stuff together right now. What happened?” She sounded slightly frantic which is how you were feeling inside.

“He-” your voice broke, “He was packing up to take me to the hospital while I went for a walk with Carmen, and I came back—oh god, and someone shot him,” you were trying not to break down sobbing again.

“How serious is this Y/N?” She asked.

“It’s serious. If there’s anyone you need to call, I’d get family here. I’m so scared,” you murmured, not believing the words that were coming out of your mouth.

“I’ll be there as soon as I can,” she promised before you guys ended the call. You dialed Ella up next,

“Hey honey what’s up?” She sounded happy when she answered the phone.

“Ella, I need you to get on a plane to New York right now,” you said, wiping at the escaping tears.

“What’s wrong Y/N?” She asked.

“Everything. I’m having the baby and Rafael is in the hospital. I need you,” you broke, sobbing again, “I can’t do this alone Ella,”

“I will be there as fast as I can sweetie, I’ve got you,” she promised. The rest of the ride to the hospital was filled with you quietly crying and Sonny trying to calm you down. He helped you fill out the registration paperwork after the doctor decided you were dilated enough to admit you. As you laid in the hospital bed, a fetal monitor strapped to you, you tried to answer all the questions on the paperwork, but it was so much and your brain felt like it was overloaded with panic. Sonny sat on the edge of the bed, talking softly to you as he filled out the papers.

“Sonny, where’s the doctor,” you groaned, sweat soaking your face as you collapsed back against the pillows. The contractions were getting longer and longer and so much more painful.

“He was just in here five minutes ago,” he told you. The glare you shot at him could’ve melted steel. “Here, let me see if I can get you some ice chips,” You gripped the sheets, gritting your teeth as another contraction hit. You shut your eyes, the tears dripping down your cheeks.

* _Rafael was sitting on the couch when you emerged from the bedroom. “What are you doing?” he asked as you sat down next to him, “You’re supposed to be in bed Y/N,”_

_“Oh calm down. Dr. Montgomery said I can walk around a little bit, and I can’t lay in that damn bed for any longer Rafael,” you said softly, snuggling into his embrace. You rested your head on his chest, so he started rubbing his hand across your back. He was watching some comedy, laughing softly every now and then. You shut your eyes, breathing in the comforting smell of his cologne, earthy and woodsy. You loved the deep, masculine scent that had hints of pine and smoke. You stroked your hand down his thigh, squeezing softly. “Rafi,” you practically pleaded, feeling heat pooling at the pit of your stomach. You ached for him to touch you; it was honestly ridiculous how little it took to wind you up._

_“No Y/N, you know we can’t,” he said, brushing your hand away._

_“If you don’t do something, I’m going to die Rafael. I need you,” you whispered, but he wasn’t having any of it._

_“You know we can’t,” he repeated. You huffed, but left him alone. Rafael kissed your cheek, “I’m sorry,” he whispered. He knew how hard this was for you, and not just the inability to have sex. It was hard to be stuck in a bed, the looming threat of an early birth and a premature baby hanging over your head as well as being stuck on the sidelines when you wanted to be out putting criminals in jail.”So am I supposed to like coach you on in the delivery room or are you going to have Ella do that?” The question caught you off guard._

_“Why the hell would I have Ella do it? Of course you’re going to,” You immediately responded._

_“Well considering I might pass out if it’s anything like those videos….” That made you laugh._

_“Rafael, if I have to push this baby out of my body, you have to sit there and help me do it,” you said, starting to shove him around into place. You settled back, leaning against his chest, holding his hands and resting your head on his shoulder, “You’re going to hold me like this and talk to me while I push,” you whispered. You gasped softly as the baby kicked, and Rafael, recognizing what was going on, immediately shifted his hands to your stomach to feel. He loved feeling her move around and showing little signs of life._

_“Good, I don’t think I’d want to miss it for the world….even if I see my daughter born from where I’m regaining consciousness on the floor.”_ *

You couldn’t do this, not without him. You needed to go home, the baby could come another day, not today. Not when Rafael was in surgery if he was even still alive at this point. You couldn’t bring yourself to believe he wasn’t though. Deep in your heart, you had to keep the hope that Rafael was fighting. He may be dying, but he wasn’t dead; he couldn’t be. You swung your legs over the edge of the bed, struggling up to your feet. You could barely walk, but you managed to get your coat from the chair and you were on the way to the door when Sonny returned with the ice chips, “Y/N, look--hey, what are you doing out of bed?”

“Now you sound like Rafael,” you snorted, “I am not having this baby today. I’m going home,”

“Y/N, what the hell are you talking about, you need to get back in bed,” he said, grabbing your arm. You yanked it away,

“No, no, I can’t have her today, not without Rafael. I’m going home,” you repeated, “Get out of my way,” Sonny grabbed your shoulders, looking you right in the eyes,

“You know that is not how it works. I know you know that,” he said seriously, “Rafael would want you to get back in that bed and have your baby,”

“Rafael would want to be here,” you practically sobbed, “Rafael wanted more than anything to be here for this. It isn’t fair,”

“It isn’t fair Y/N, I know, but he’s not dead. He’s alive and fighting right now. You don’t give up,” he brushed some sweaty hair from your eyes. “Now let’s get you back in bed,” You gripped his wrists, but nodded softly, a broken sob escaping your mouth. “I talked to Liv, she said he’s in surgery right now. The doctor said it’s going to be awhile before he’s better,”

“Okay,” you whispered, squeezing his hand as you sat back down. You scooted back on the bed, leaning against the pillow. Sonny handed you a cup with ice chips, sitting on the edge of the mattress. You leaned your head against his chest, “I can’t breathe Sonny, how am I supposed to do this,”

“Shh, you need to try and calm down. You’re going to have a beautiful baby girl soon okay? You keep that in your head. You know how to focus so that’s what you focus on,” Sonny helped you pull your hair up into a bun so it wasn’t in your face, and you slowly crunched on the ice chips. “If you get hungry, I can get you some jello. I want you to lay back and shut your eyes. Rafael said you had a playlist of relaxation music on your phone?” You had forgotten all about that, but that was what Rafael was supposed to be here for wasn’t it? Sonny was apparently playing husband for the day.

“Yeah, yeah it’s in my apple music app,” Sonny grabbed your phone from the table, handing it to you to unlock.

“Uhh, so am I supposed to take pictures cause I can if you want, but I don’t wanna make you feel.,.” he trailed off, but you knew exactly what he meant.

“I don’t know Sonny, Rafael and I hadn’t even talked about that yet,” you were gritting your teeth, crying out as another contraction washed over you. “It’s too early, she’s gonna be so small,” you whispered once you felt like you could speak again.

“The doctors will take good care of her Y/N,” he whispered, “Now you try to relax,” Soft, soothing music filled the room and you were overwhelmed by the memory of the day you picked this music out with Rafael.

* _“How am I supposed to single handedly calm you down?” he asked softly, “You’re gonna be screaming at me probably,”_

_“I won’t scream at you,” you said with a laugh, “I don’t know though, how do you usually calm me down. You should be a pro at it by now,”_

_“I am a professional talker I suppose. I could just persuade you that you aren’t actually giving birth,” he chuckled, “I’m told I can be very persuasive,” You were laying on the couch together, his feet in your lap as you watched a movie. The white board was laying forgotten on the floor._

_“Maybe you can even talk me out of being in labor,” you whispered, stroking his ankle._

_“Even my powers of persuasion have to stop somewhere cariño,” Rafael was looking at you so lovingly as he spoke. His eyes were fixated on your face, hearty laughter escaping him every time you made a little joke. He looked at you like you were his whole world. “I could sing to you,”_

_“You’re gonna be too busy bawling like a baby to sing,” you teased. He pretended to be offended, “We could make a relaxing music playlist,” you suggested, “For both of us because don’t even try to deny that you are going to be freaking out in that delivery room,”_

_“Fine,” he relented, sitting up so he could look over your shoulder as you opened your phone. You spent the afternoon debating over and choosing songs to put in the playlist. He seemed excited which made you happy. You couldn’t bear it when he got anxious or depressed about the baby. Seeing him in pain tore you apart, so this was music to your ears.*_

“Oh Y/N, don’t cry,” Sonny whispered, “Do you want me to turn it off?” You sniffled and wiped at your tears before shutting your eyes as pain overwhelmed you again. You wanted to snuggle up in Rafael’s arms and breathe in his deep woodsy smell and tell yourself this all would be okay. You ached to have his arms around you. You laid in bed for a while, squeezing Sonny’s hands through the contractions as you waited for it to finally be time to push. The door opened, startling you, but in walked Dr. Montgomery who was all business.

“Why isn’t there a BP monitor attached to her?” she immediately barked at a nurse before turning to you with a smile on her face, “Hello Y/N, it’s nice to see you again. I am actually fairly pleased you’ve made it to 33 weeks,”

“Thank you for coming,” you said softly. She didn’t work here at this hospital, but because this was where Rafael was, it was where you went.

“Of course I’m here,” she said softly, “What happened anyway? Where is the excited Daddy-to-be? Rafael and I had a deal, remember; he gets to cut the cord,”

“Rafael is in surgery,” Sonny answered for you, “He had a little accident,”

“Well, then I’m sure he will be very happy to be able to hold his little girl later,” she said with a smile, coming over to exam you after washing her hands, “How far apart are your contractions?”

“Been about five or six minutes at this point,” Sonny said softly.

“Alright, well, it looks like you’re only about six centimeters, so you’re going to have to wait a little bit longer,” she said softly, clipping some more monitors to you, “I’ll be back in to check on you soon,” You nodded, laying your head back down.

“Here, I’m gonna run downstairs and buy some cards, we can play a game,” he offered. You couldn’t find it in yourself to answer. All you could really do was try not to cry. Rafael was supposed to be holding your hand, kissing your face and wiping it with a cool washcloth. He was supposed to be there, but instead he was in pain. You wished that you could stop worrying about it, but it was hard not to be concerned about him sometimes. He still woke up in the middle of the night with nightmares on occasion. He didn’t talk about it much despite your efforts to make an open environment for him to talk comfortably. Occasionally you could draw something out of him, but typically he would quietly try and deal with it himself. Earlier in your pregnancy, he had been hit by a couple hard cases and hadn’t been dealing with it well at all.

* _You had been home from work for hours, wondering what was holding Rafael up. Finally, when you were about ready to head to bed, you heard his keys jingle in the lock. He struggled for a few minutes before he finally got the door open, and as soon as he appeared in the room, you could smell the whiskey that was practically seeping from his skin. He clumsily stumbled in, dropping his briefcase on the floor with a loud clunk. “Rafi where the hell have you been?” You asked softly. He just grunted, collapsing down onto the couch and clicking the tv on. “Are you drunk?” You sat next to him. He wouldn’t look you in the eyes. “Please talk to me baby,”_

_“M’fine,” his voice was gruff, words slurred. His tie was loose and sloppy, the top three buttons of his shirt undone. One of his sleeves was rolled up, the other one was missing the cufflink._

_“Rafael, you are not fine, how did you get home?” you asked, grabbed his face to look over it and ensure he hadn’t been mugged or anything. In this state, you weren’t sure what he could defend himself from. His eyes were glassy and bloodshot, the redness making dread coil in your stomach._

_“Cab,” he whispered, his warm breath reeking of whiskey. It was almost unbearable._

_“Baby, what happened?” he didn’t answer you this time, instead, looking away. He was silent for a while before he clicked the tv off,_

_“I didn’t mean to,” he said softly. His shoulders were slumped as he tried to get up, but he quickly lost his balance. You had to shoot up to your feet to keep him from tumbling into the coffee table and hurting himself. You got him back to your bedroom, helping him struggle out of his clothing and into bed where he repeated himself, “I didn’t mean to,”_

_“You didn’t mean to what Rafael?” you asked softly. He just sniffled, “You didn’t mean to get drunk?” He nodded at that, “We’ll talk about it tomorrow. Get some sleep,” you replied tiredly, stroking his back until he was snoring softly beside you.*_

He had apologized to you for days, buying you jewelry and flowers despite your assurances that you weren’t angry with him. It had taken forever for you to drag out of him what the problem was. They had caught a case with a little boy who was being sexually abused by his father. It took no further elaboration. You went back to see your counselor not long after that, but he had still been depressed on and off since. You shifted over onto your side, trying desperately to relieve some of the discomfort. Tears started to leak from your eyes once more as you laid there, squeezing a pillow as contractions hit. And then it was like something snapped; you were in agonizing pain and the monitors started blaring. Your head felt fuzzy, white, hot pain making everything feel hazy. You could hear panicked voices around you, someone nudging you forward and then it was all black.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael wakes up and then it’s time to push

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Rafael is gonna start having some flashbacks about the sexual abuse from his father and some are kind of graphic so I’m just gonna warn you guys about those now. Hope you all enjoy despite the heaviness. I’d love comments

He couldn’t breathe, everything was aching, his chest feeling torn apart like someone had cut him open and ripped out his internal organs.

* _“It’s going to be okay baby,” your soft hands sifting through his hair, “Don’t cry Rafa,” Y/N. He immediately felt safe with you there, but he couldn’t stop the tears. “Where the hell are those paramedics?” that voice he recognized but couldn’t place. Everything felt so fuzzy, so hazy. Every breath felt like it was ripped from him, burning pain erupting in the center of his chest. What was that stickiness on his back? He could feel the material of his shirt pressed flat against his skin. He was so confused. Why did everything hurt so badly?*_

“Mr. Barba? Can you open your eyes for me?” His eyelids felt gummy and stuck together, the disgusting metallic smell of blood filled his nostrils and he felt like he was drowning. His chest was heaving with every breath, panic beginning to overtake him. Where was he? “Mr. Barba, you need to calm down,”

* _“Shut up boy,” the sharp hiss was accentuated by a sharp blow to Rafael’s head, “You better calm down or I’ll tell everyone what you’ve done,” The little boy bit his tongue, trying to keep quiet. His chest was heaving with sobs, snot covering his face. His body was rocking with his abuser’s violent movements, the breathy groans filling the silence between the sounds of traffic that leaked through the practically paper thin walls. The smell of whiskey and cigarette smoke heightened his nausea. “I know you like that,” he whispered by Rafael’s ear. His little hands were bunched up in the sheets, trying to brace himself, but it was no use._ *

Mouth dry as the desert, Rafael groaned. He could hear loud beeping, hands were on his skin. He shied away, who was touching him? He hated being touched. “You’re okay Rafael, it’s Dr. Sloan,” A doctor--A hospital, why was he at a hospital? The baby, you were supposed to be having the baby soon, he needed to get up. He forced his eyes open, blinking rapidly at the bright light before trying to push himself up. He cried out, collapsing back against the pillow. It was like his chest had just been torn in half, pain radiating up the middle of his torso. Hands were on his chest now, the blurry silhouette of men looming over him and holding him down as he struggled,

“No, no,” he whispered, “No, please--”

“You need to stop struggling Rafael,”

* _“Stop struggling Rafi, come on,” his mother’s voice sounded tired and irritated as she scrubbed at a cut on his knee with some antiseptic. He grit his teeth, he shouldn’t be reacting like this—it didn’t really hurt that bad, not compared to what happened the night before or at least that’s what the seven year old told himself. “You’re going to be late for your game if you don’t quit moving around,” He tried his best to stay still, gripping the tub until his knuckles were white, “Okay, you’re good to go,” Rafael pulled his socks up over his shin guards, folding them down just enough before tying his shoes._

_“Is Papi gonna be there?” he asked, grabbing his bag. His mother tousled his hair,_

_“Oh, I don’t think he’s gonna make it baby, I’ll be there though,” she whispered, kissing his forehead. Rafael stopped,_

_“He promised,” he whispered. He had promised. He had promised if Rafael would keep quiet, if he would behave, then he would be there. Rafael couldn’t help the tears that were suddenly flooding his eyes but he held them back. He couldn’t be weak, he had to be a man, real man. He had to be worth it._ *

Rafael was not missing this, he yanked on the restraints in his arms which further exacerbated the pain in his chest. He was crying, big, ugly tears and he hated it, he had to look ridiculous, but this was more important, “Please, I need--please,” he whispered.

“Please what Rafael? You need to stay still. You’re gonna rip your stitches,” the doctor whispered,

“My baby,” he sobbed, “I want--”

“You can’t, you have to stay in bed Mr. Barba, you just had heart surgery,” Rafael wasn’t having that. He started struggling again, clenching his teeth at the pain, but pushing through it. If someone wanted to keep him from this, they were gonna have to kill him.

……………..

When you came to, you were still laying in the hospital room and still in a lot of pain. Sonny was sitting next to your bed. “Hey, you’re awake,” he whispered, “The baby apparently got a little tangled up in the umbilical cord, but Dr. Montgomery said you’re both fine. They almost took you back for a C Section,” You appreciated his willingness to share information because you felt drained of energy. How were you expected to push after all of this? “Someone is here to see you,”

“Hey,” Ella’s voice was coming from somewhere beside you,

“Ella!” you exclaimed, looking over at her. She was grinning, coming to sit down beside you and take your hand.

“How are you feeling sweetie? You poor thing,” she squeezed your hand, and you clung to her.

“I’ve been better,” you whispered, “But now that you’re here...it’s a little better,” you leaned your head against her stomach, and she brushed her fingers through your hair and down your back.

“Your job right now is to lay back and relax. Your doctor said you’ll be ready to push within a couple hours,” she told you softly. Sonny let you hold his hand and you felt surrounded by people, not the person you wanted more than anything, but you weren’t alone. The gown you were wearing was sticking to your skin, but thankfully Sonny had a cool washcloth that he was running across your forehead. You tried to get some sleep and rest before you had to work hard, but the mattress was stiff and the room was too hot. A knock on the door startled you,

“Y/N?” you looked up, grinning when you saw Lucia Barba, “Darling, how are you feeling?”

“I’m just waiting for this to be over,” you whispered, squeezing your eyes shut through your next contraction, “Have you seen him? Is he okay?” you whispered afterward.

“They won’t let me in yet,” she said softly, “He’s still alive is all I know,” her voice cracked. Ella cleared her throat softly,

“Oh, sorry, this is my sister Ella. Ella, this is Rafael’s mother, Lucia,” you said, raising the back of the bed so you could comfortably sit up. Well comfortably was a stretch. Sonny helped you prop a pillow behind your back. “If you come on back later, you can hold her,” you said softly with a smile.

“Have you two picked a name yet?” Lucia asked. You had been close, but you hadn’t actually made a decision yet and there was no way you were doing that without Rafael.

“No, unfortunately not yet. I’m gonna need Rafi’s final say before I make that decision,” you told her, having to quiet down after that because of a particularly painful contraction.

“I’ll get out of your hair honey, I’ll be back later okay?” She said. You weakly waived goodbye, squeezing onto Ella and Sonny’s hands. The next knock was Dr. Montgomery who checked your dialation.

“Alright Y/N, we’re gonna get set up in here, it looks like it’s about time to push,” she said with a smile. You nodded, laying your head back to get rest for a couple more moments. Nurses were coming in and out, moving the bed around and getting everything ready. There was suddenly a warming unit in the room and more people. “I know Rafael was supposed to be your labor coach, how are we doing this now?” The doctor asked softly. You didn’t have an answer.

“I’ve got it,” Sonny said for you, “Just tell me where to go and I’ve got you,”

“Behind me,” You whispered, “Rafael was supposed to sit behind me,” Ella and Dr. Montgomery helped you lean forward, so Sonny could squeeze in behind you. You grabbed his hands, leaning your head back on his shoulder. It wasn’t perfect because it wasn’t Rafael, but it was better than nothing. You couldn’t even express how grateful you were to him. They got your feet situated to push and then all of the sudden it was go time.

“Alright, when you get a contraction, if you feel the urge to push, you’re going to push as hard as you can for me, lean your head forward and we’re gonna go on like that for awhile. You are going to remind her to breathe, tell her how good she’s doing. All of that, okay?” Dr. Montgomery explained to you, “If you feel uncomfortable or stressed out and you want me to start coaching your pushing, I can,” The next contraction came and passed and you felt nothing. And then another one. On the third contraction, as it was getting to the worst part, you suddenly felt this intense need to just push as hard as you could. You curled forward, hands gripping Sonny’s hands tightly as you sobbed. Once it passed, you sagged back against him and Ella wiped your face with the washcloth,

“Good job Y/N, that was great. Now just rest until you’re ready again,” he whispered. It was another few contractions before you had to push again. After an hour, you were exhausted, groaning softly as you rested back against Sonny. You felt tears prick your eyes,

“I can’t do this,” you whispered, “I can’t do it without Rafael,”

“You can, you’re doing so great Y/N, just a little bit more,” Sonny encouraged you, but you shook your head, shutting your eyes. As if on cue, there was a knock on the door and a doctor poked his head in. You recognized him.

“Dr. Sloan?” You asked after opening your eyes. He talked in hushed tones with Dr. Montgomery for a few seconds before he looked at you,

“Hey Y/N, someone wouldn’t stop ripping out his IV and drainage tubes until we let him in here,” he said. You found the strength to sit up some as they pushed Rafael in the room. He was slumped over in a chair, a cannula in his nose and an IV pole following him with three nurses. His eyes were barely open, and he looked drugged out of his mind, but he managed a smile for you. He looked thin and haunted, a brushing of stubble on his jaw, eyes dark and glassy. His hair was a wreck and his body was limp. It was a miracle he was even sitting up at all.

“Rafi, oh my God,” You whispered, starting to cry. They wheeled him over to your bedside.

“You are a very stubborn man,” Dr. Sloan said with a laugh, “Now, we discussed this. If I’m going to let you in here, there will be no moving around. You can hold her hand, that’s it. You have to stay still and rest. One bad move and you’re back in the ICU, sedated, okay?” Rafael nodded softly. It looked like dozens of tubes and wires were connected to him. His hand was cold when you grabbed it, but it made you feel so much better.

Rafael grunted softly, like he was clearing his throat, “You got this,” he managed to grit out, squeezing your hand. You wiped your eyes, he somehow was finding a way to be strong for you despite everything, “No way I miss this,”

“I know baby,” you said softly. You tried not to yank on his arm when you were pushing, but it was hard. You felt a renewed sense of strength with him there. His eyes were barely open, his breathing was coming out in wheezes, but his hand remained strong in yours. The next time you pushed, it tore a scream from your throat and when you got a little rest, you let out a ragged sob.

“Hold her leg,” Rafael slurred quietly, managing to make a motion of pulling your leg sideways. Sonny got the message and grabbed the inside of your leg, getting ready to help you widen it when you were ready to push again. Rafael squeezed your hand, “S’gonna be okay,” he promised.

The next contraction hurt a lot worse than any of the others and then you felt a little pop and there was some beeping. “D cells,” Dr. Montgomery said, “And her BP is high. We need to get an OR prepped right now for an emergency C section. I want a spinal block in right now,”

“What should we do with him?” one of the residents asked, and despite your preoccupation with the pain, you wanted to scream and beg them to let him in the room with you. He wanted this so badly.

“Get him in a gown and mask, and if you aren’t gentle Sloan will have both our asses,” she barked, “You’re gonna be just fine Y/N,” her tone softened considerably when she spoke to you. You couldn’t help but cry, it was terrifying to be rushed into emergency surgery where one or both of you could die. It was a blur as you were taken to the OR, being leaned forward in the room. “Hey Y/N, I’m Dr. Warren, this shouldn’t hurt too badly, a little sting and then you’ll start to feel numb okay?”

“Okay,” you whispered tearfully. There was a sharp prick and then a lot of pressure, but then you were on your back and everything was going numb rapidly. They got the surgical field set up around you rather quickly, and then they wheeled Rafael in. He immediately reached for your hand,

“Love you,” he said softly, his voice rough, “I’m right here,” every word was a fight, but he managed. When you looked into his eyes, you could see the slight panic he was feeling, but somehow he was keeping that quiet. There was a cool sensation across your abdomen and then it was just a lot of tugging and pressure. You felt more than a little panicky throughout as you squeezed Rafael’s hand until it turned white. There was silence and then a piercing cry filled the room. Finally, the nurse held up a very small, very pink baby for you to look at,

“Congrats you two, this is your baby girl,” she said, “I need to get her to the NICU right now to be checked out, but hopefully you guys can hold her soon okay?” You felt tears clouding your eyes, but you nodded. She had to be okay.

“Ah, Ah, Lauren, Rafael gets the cut the umbilical cord, I promised,” Dr. Montgomery said from where she was working on you. One of the nurses pushed Rafael forward and showed him how to cut it which he managed to do without hurting himself. You could see the smile in his eyes when he got closer to you. He stayed next to you, holding your hand while they were working.

“I can’t find it,” you heard one of the residents say softly. Rafael’s hand tightened in yours,

“Is everything okay?” He asked,

“Landon, be quiet,” Dr. Montgomery chided, “It’s fine, there’s a little bit of unexpected bleeding, I’m gonna find it and stop it. It’s alright,”

“I fell,” you said softly. She looked at you, “I fell the other day,” you repeated, “I got checked out and they said everything was fine, but I did fall,”

“Okay, give me just a second,” she turned toward your anesthesiologist, talking in hushed tones. “Rafael, you’re gonna have to leave. Y/N we’re gonna put you under so I can find the source of the bleeding, okay?” You we’re feeling a bit lightheaded at the moment and then loud blaring beeps were sounding out in the room,

“Her BP is down,” someone said loudly.

“More lap pads and suction please. Get him out of here right now,” Dr. Montgomery was all business now. A nurse came over to move Rafael, but he held your hand tightly,

“Love you,” he said softly, pressing your hand to his mask covered lips before letting them wheel him out.

“Okay Y/N, I need you to count backwards from ten for me,” Dr. Warren said softly, putting a mask down over your face. The world slowly faded to black. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s time to name the baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am desperate for a snow day tomorrow. I feel like shit rn and I can’t even express how nervous I am for tomorrow’s episode. Hearing Jack McCoy say “The People vs Rafael Barba” legit has me shook. I pretty much know how I think it’s gonna go down but I’m nervous nonetheless. Anyways, enjoy and I’d love comments

* _Rafael sat huddled up in the dark basement. He had been down there for god knows how long, mainly by himself. He could still feel the fluid cooling on his bare thighs as he shivered. He didn’t want to stain his clothes and he was pretty sure they were torn anyways. He had a little threadbare blanket draped over his shoulders. The warm blood had dried on his face, and he could feel little aches and pains in his knees, tingling in his hands that had been trapped under him. The dark was pierced by light coming from upstairs, “Rafael!” The booming voice screamed. Rafael curled up in a ball, trying to hide and protect himself, “Rafael,”_ *

“Rafael,” he jolted away from the hand, his chest exploding with pain as he let out a little cry. He shut his eyes gritting his teeth with every breath. “Rafa, it’s just me, Liv,” He had to force himself to calm down, his chest aching as he managed to control his breathing.

“Sorry,” he whispered, “I’m sorry,” He was in a world of pain, but grateful that his throat didn’t feel like it had been shredded anymore. The first few hours when he had been barely conscious, the sturdy, plastic tube shoved down his throat to aid his breathing had been absolutely unbearable. He had woken up, choking on the tube and the nurses had been yelling at him to calm down and relax. When he looked around, he saw his mother sitting in a chair by his bed and Liv was almost directly next to him. The lights were far too bright in his room, making it tough for him to sleep well. There was bustling noise outside the door, and the steady beeping of his own heartbeat filled the room. His whole body was aching so badly, and he wanted nothing more than to hit the morphine button that was just in his reach, but he needed to ask. He needed to know.

“Don’t be sorry,” Liv said gently rubbing his arm, “How are you feeling?” Pain was constantly aching in his chest, growing sharp with every breath, if he moved even an inch, it felt like someone was stabbing him.

“I’ve been better,” he whispered, “How’s Y/N?” The last time he had seen you was when he was rushed out of the OR. He had been able to hold your daughter very briefly and he had been in a wheelchair. It had been one of the most amazing moments of his entire life to hold the child that you had created together in his arms. The nurses had to practically tear her away from him and sedate him to make him get the rest he so desperately needed to heal.

“She’s out of surgery and resting. She’s fine Rafa,” Liv promised.

“And the baby?” he asked, scared of the answer. She was so, so tiny, her lungs were underdeveloped and right now she didn’t even have a healthy parent to stay with her.

“The doctor said she’s doing pretty well. Sonny is feeding her right now. She’s taking part of her food from a feeding tube and they have her on oxygen, but they are optimistic,” Liv told him, squeezing his hand that she had taken into hers. He felt tears beginning to prick his eyes,

“She doesn’t even have a name,” he whispered, “She’s so small. It isn’t fair,” Liv was gently stroking his hair and trying to reassure and comfort him, but he just needed to cry. His mother came over to his side, holding him gently. The sobs that were wracking his body felt like they pulled at the stitches that were holding his chest together. He reached for the button, giving in. It was too much. All of it was too much.

…………………..

** _Looking down into her green eyes, her little nose that scrunched up when she got angry. He barely knew her, but she already reminded him of you so much. But those green eyes. Those were his eyes, and he was so, so proud of the fact that his daughter had his eyes. He rocked her back and forth as he sat in the chair. She looked up at him, blind trust in her little eyes. She trusted him to take care of her, to love her, to teach her right from wrong; she trusted him with her life. It was incredible responsibility he held in his arms, but he had to shoulder it. With your help, he hoped to God he was up to the task. Speaking of you, where did you disappear off to? “Y/N?” he called, standing up. He poked his head in the bedroom, maybe you were resting, but you weren’t there, so he headed out to the living room._

_“Rafi,” your voice was soft, scared even. He turned around slowly. There you were, shaking as Casey Mitchell held a gun to your head._

_“She’s mine,” he growled. Rafael’s heart was beating a hundred miles a minute. He was frozen in place, holding tight to your daughter. “She never loved you. Tell him,” You jerked forward as he jabbed his gun into your back. Tears filled your eyes, but you looked at him and said the words that he feared the most,_

_“I never loved you,” it was echoing in his ears as Mitchell barked another order,_

_“Hand her the baby, my baby,”_

_“No, she’s mine,” Rafael stammered, holding his daughter close. **His** daughter. Mitchell couldn’t take that from him._

_“Hand her the baby or I’ll shoot her in the head,” he repeated. Rafael reluctantly kissed his daughter’s forehead, handing you the baby. “On your knees,” He shakily dropped down to his knees. Bang. He was on the floor. As you walked away with the baby in your arms, he desperately whispered one last thing, hoping his daughter could hear,_

_“I’m sorry, I love you.”_ **

“Rafi,” soft touches across his face, “Baby wake up,” he didn’t want to open his eyes. If he opened his eyes then he’d have to face the truth. The truth that he was shot. He was shot and you had the baby early and everything was a mess. He didn’t want to face that world, not now, not ever. “Rafi, honey,” he finally opened his eyes, the light making him blink, “I know,” you whispered, hand rubbing across his chest but staying away from his incision, “I know it hurts, don’t cry. You’re safe here. I promise,” he couldn’t help the wetness that was staining his cheeks as tears dripped down his face. You stroked your hand through his hair, “Baby, someone is here to see you,” That got Rafael’s attention. He started to try and sit up, but each movement sent a jolt of pain down his incision. He got himself propped up enough that he could look around. Liv was sitting in a chair by the bed next to his mother, and you were in a wheelchair beside him, a little bundle of pink blanket in your arms. “Do you want to hold her? Dr. Sloan said it was okay,” He ran a tired hand over his face, sniffling before he nodded. Liv came over to help transfer the baby into Rafael’s arms. He leaned her against his chest to take the strain off his arms, careful to keep her away from the incision. Her little eyes were shut, clenched hand resting on his chest and he felt so overwhelmed, he started to cry again. He barely knew her, but he already loved her so much.

“She needs a name,” he finally said softly, still staring at her in awe. This was his daughter. He had to wipe at the tears that were dripping from his eyes.

“Yeah, she does,” you replied. When he looked over to you, he hated how tired you looked. You were both so hurt right now.

“I think we’re gonna go pick up lunch,” Liv said softly, “Do you want anything in particular Rafael?” He shook his head, he wasn’t really all that hungry. Once you were alone, he didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what to say about anything anymore,

“Are you okay?” he finally whispered.

“A little sore, but I’m good baby, We’re okay,” you reached for his hand, “You know Casey is dead right?” No, he hadn’t known that. He vaguely remembered another gun shot after he was already slumped on the ground, staining the carpet of his office with blood. He looked down at the baby in his arms and then back at you.

“Oh,” was all he could say. He wished he could think of more things, but his brain just felt like white noise. He felt trapped. “Can I-Can I feed her?” You nodded,

“She needs to eat in a bit, so I don’t see why not,” you squeezed his hand, “Are you okay Rafi? What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know,” he murmured, “Do you have any ideas for the name?” You looked puzzled at his brisk change of subject, but he couldn’t talk about the emotions that were coursing through him. Talking about them would be acknowledging they existed and he couldn’t handle that.

“What was left on our whiteboard?” you asked with a little smile.

“Gabriella, Sofia, Ella,” he said. He had written two of the three remaining girls names on the board months ago.

“I know which one I like,” you said softly. Rafael had no idea. He couldn’t think straight no matter how hard he tried. He reached up, scratching at an itch on his face, but his fingernails caught on rough stitches and he hissed with pain, “Woah, woah, don’t touch that,” you said, grabbing for his arm. “He hit you in the head Rafael, don’t you remember?” You asked softly, and you were looking at him all worried. He didn’t want to worry you, so he lied,

“Right, right,” he replied, rubbing his hand across the baby’s back. “She looks like a Gabriella,” he finally decided.

“That one was my favorite,” You said from beside him, smiling,

“I guess we have a name then,” he wanted to bring her up closer to his face, but he wasn’t allowed to lift things so he was stuck cradling her against his abdomen. “Gabriella Lucia Barba,” He whispered, “Daddy loves you princessa,”

“Oh you’re going with Daddy?” you asked. He had been debating if he wanted her to call him Daddy or Papi, torn between the cultural ties and his bad associations with the latter.

“I can’t--If she is upset or crying and calls me Papi, I don’t know if I could handle that. It’s just--it’s easier this way,” he whispered, stroking her hair. You wanted to stand up and crawl into that bed with him, to stroke his hair and promise him that he was safe and everything was going to be alright, but both of you were not alright, Rafael more so than yourself.

“The nurse should be in soon with the bottle, can you pick her up enough or…” you stroked his arm, and he looked away, tears filling his eyes.

“I don’t know,” he whispered. He felt so weak, so useless. He couldn’t even go to the bathroom himself and it was humiliating. All he wanted was to feed his own daughter.

“Shh, we’ll make it work baby. It’s okay,” you said softly. He sniffled, rubbing Gabriella’s back as he waited for the nurse to come in. He was quiet, staring intently down at her as the tears dripped down his face. You put a hand on his wrist, trying to be there, to comfort him as much as possible. When there was a knock on the door, he wiped at his eyes.

“Hey guys, it’s feeding time,” she said kindly, bringing the bottle in. You had been pumping milk when you could; your abdomen was still too raw to comfortably breastfeed, but you still wanted her to have your milk.

“Could we figure out a way for Rafael to feed her?” you asked. She smiled, coming over beside him and propping his back up with a pillow. She helped him position Gabriella so her back was leaning against his stomach,

“Make sure you tilt the bottle so the nipple is entirely full,” she instructed, handing him the bottle so he could feed her.

“Also can we get the the paperwork for her, we’ve decided on a name,” you said, smiling as Rafael tilted the bottle up to feed your daughter. He was whispering to her softly, promising his love and devotion. You filled out paperwork, smiling as you watched him bond with her. Liv returned shortly followed by Rafael’s mother and Ella.

“We got food,” Liv said, grinning when she saw Rafael holding Gabriella. He looked up, proudly,

“We named her,” he said quietly. His mother came to sit on the edge of his bed,

“She has your eyes,” she whispered, stroking Rafael’s back. He nodded, watching her with adoration in his eyes. He couldn’t help but stare at her in wonder, it was incredible that something so beautiful could stem from your love.

“So, what’s the name, I’ve been dying to know. Is it Ella?” your sister teased from her position beside you.

“Well,” you said softly, “Sort of,”

“We named her Gabriella Lucia Barba,” Rafael said with a grin on his face. Your sister, his mother, it was just the perfect name for your little girl and you could see on your friend’s and family’s faces that they liked it too. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael isn’t himself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UMMMM I AM NOT OKAY. I FEEL LIED TO BY THE SHOW WRITERS. THEY SAID PETER WOULD BE RAFI’S BOSS AND I’M CRYING IN THE CLUB RN. LEGIT STARED AT THE WALL FOR TWENTY MINUTES. 
> 
> I’m really sorry to post this chapter after that emotional episode and honestly I wasn’t sure if you’d rather not have a chapter or what. I’m really upset. This isn’t the end of my series tho, I have another story started but idk when it will be up cause I’ve never been this shook in my life. I just wanna say, if this was Raúl’s choice, good luck to him and I will support him in anything he does. I am dying here. Idk what to even say rn. 
> 
> WARNING THERE IS SOME GRAPHIC CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE IN HERE. It could be worse but I wanted to warn. I think it’s the worst of what I’ve written so far.

You tried to visit Rafael everyday that you could get the nurses to let you out. Sometimes he was sedated and would sleep all day but others he would be up and looking around. The most curious visits were when he would be awake, his eyes open, but he was unresponsive. No matter what, you read him pages from one of his books or you brought Gabriella to visit. You were more than a little bit worried about him; he woke up with nightmares and he was constantly in pain. You didn’t know how to make him feel better. Sometimes he tried to stay up and talk to you, but he would eventually give in and press for more morphine which often was enough to get him to sleep. He hated his physical therapy, and today he was supposed to have another session. So far, they had been restricted by his chest tubes so they had done little more than getting him sitting up and moving around, but today, he was going to finally get out of bed.

You were up early, so you got them to let you down in the nursery with Gabriella. It was likely that Rafael was still asleep as his pain medication made him extra drowsy. He barely touched his food, ever. The nurse brought him meals, but he would eat a bite or two and then push it away. His mother had brought him take out and homemade food, but he wouldn’t touch it. He was so skinny now, the slight pudge that usually was present around his stomach was completely gone. His face was slightly sunken in, and if he kept going at this rate, he was going to starve. Rafael was prone to fluctuations in weight depending on the season and his workload and stress levels; sometimes he wouldn’t eat a lot for a while, but this was different. The nurses were starting to threaten him with a feeding tube, and you knew he didn’t want that. Whatever was going on with him was something he refused to talk to you about, and he had brushed off any attempts at counseling. “Hey Y/N,” the voice startled you out of your thoughts. It was Dr. Sloan who was making his way toward you. “How are you doing?”

“I’m well thanks,” you said softly with a smile.

“She is absolutely adorable. Easily the cutest baby in that nursery,” his words made you grin. “I’m headed down to Rafael’s room, you want a lift?”

“Yeah, sure, thank you so much. Is everything okay?” You asked as he started to push you toward Rafael’s room in the cardiac ICU. You were able to walk, but the doctors wanted you to take it easy until your incisions healed more.

“Yeah, no worries, just gonna check up on him, Dr. Yang, our Cardiac specialist is actually going to come in and check him out. She did the hard work in his surgery, I just sewed up his incision all pretty,” he said with a grin. You had been under the impression that Dr. Sloan had done the surgery due to his serious involvement as Rafael’s primary doctor.

“Oh really? I thought maybe you had done it since you’ve been so involved in the recovery,” you said.

“I got involved because Rafael is familiar with me and with his anxiety, I figured it was for the best. Speaking of which, I’m surprised he hasn’t asked for any medication,” a pang of worry shot through you. You hadn’t even thought about that. You were nearing the room, and you braced yourself to see Rafael, weak and upset. It always tore your heart out. He was fast asleep as you expected when you walked in, and you hated to let them wake him when he wasn’t tossing and turning for once. Dr Sloan gently knocked on the door, “Rafael,” he said softly, “I’m sorry to wake you, but we need to take a look at your incision,” Rafael shifted on the bed, groaning softly and then blinking. He looked disheveled when the lights flicked on, “I brought you some company,”

“Oh, thanks,” he said softly before looking to Dr. Sloan, “Can I hold her?”

“Sure, but carefully, you know the rules,” he helped you hand Rafael the baby and then it was the game of positioning her so she was comfortable and didn’t strain him or hurt his incision. Another doctor came in a few minutes later, looking very busy. She smiled at you before heading to Rafael’s bedside.

“Mr. Barba,” she said kindly, “I don’t know if you remember, but I’m Dr. Yang,” She started to pull at his gown so she could see the incision. He held tight to Gabriella, stroking her head and back as she slept, propped up against him, “I was the one who performed your heart surgery. Your incision looks pretty good, is there any pain here?” he hissed when she touched him, pulling away slightly. “I’ll take that as a yes. I want him to remain on his IV antibiotics and this needs to be checked regularly,” she was talking to the nurse. “Do you guys have any questions for me? I know this must be extremely scary for both of you,”

“What are the long term effects going to be on his heart?” You asked softly, slightly terrified about the answer. He was alive and currently that was the most important thing to you, but if he was going to be in pain for the rest of his life, it would tear you apart.

“I repaired his right atrium which was where the bullet caused the most damage. I don’t have a solid answer for you to be honest, I know that’s not what you want to hear, but there aren’t a lot of cases like this. Rafael’s heart is beating on its own right now which is a good sign, but he’s going to have to take it easy for a long while. I want the most conservative approach possible taken with him because his heart could fail, the fix could rupture, he could develop an arrhythmia, or he could be completely fine. We’re going to have a lot of follow up visits and stress tests to ensure he is okay and gets the care he needs,” she explained. Your head was spinning. That question opened up a whole new can of worms for you to think about. Everytime Rafael cringed or closed his eyes, you were going to be terrified. Everytime he was out of breath, you would worry that he could be going into cardiac arrest, and that wasn’t fair. He had already been through so much. After a lot of fighting, they had told he had died three times in the ambulance, five ribs were broken from the CPR, he had a hemothorax and a collapsed lung, they had sawed right through his sternum to get to his heart and then fused it back together with thick wires and then they shoved chest tubes between his ribs to drain the accumulating fluid. He had been through hell and back and still fought with everything he had to be there when you had the baby. You looked over at his face, trying to assess how he was feeling at the moment, but he wasn’t showing any emotions. Instead, he was staring at your daughter, his hand still running over her back in little circles.

“You hear that Rafael?” you asked, “You better take it easy,” He didn’t even look up. You didn’t push him. “Thank you so much Dr. Yang, I can’t even begin to express how grateful I am to you for saving him,”

“You don’t have to thank me,” she said kindly, shaking your hand, “Dr. Sloan, I have to run, but please have one of the interns run an EKG on Mr. Barba. I’d like to see the results as soon as possible,” You watched Rafael carefully as he laid still. He didn’t move to help at all as Dr. Sloan fixed his hospital gown. He didn’t look at you.

“Can I feed her?” he asked softly, but that was the end of it. Dr. Sloan took a look at you, and then looked back at Rafael worriedly.   
“Rafael, are you feeling okay?” he asked softly. Rafael ripped his hand away when Dr. Sloan tried to touch it.

“I’m fine for fucks sake, I just want to feed her,” he exclaimed. Tears were escaping his eyes, “I can’t rock her or tuck her in at night or really even hold her, but I can feed her. Please, just let me--I want to feed her,” She started to cry, softly, and Rafael let his head drop back against the pillow, sniffling. He tried to rock her a little bit, “Shh, shh princessa, Daddy is sorry for yelling. It’s okay,” it wasn’t very convincing when said it in his tear-filled voice.

“Rafael--” Dr. Sloan started to say carefully as he took a step toward him, but Rafael was already sitting up and reaching for Gabriella. He had her in his hands and started to pick her up by the time Dr. Sloan was by his side. He cried out in pain, “Rafael, no, you can’t--” Dr. Sloan grabbed the baby, quickly handing her to you.

“No, don’t take her, please,” Rafael gritted out, sobs starting to make his chest heave.

“You need to calm down Rafael and lay still,” Dr. Sloan was practically holding him down as he struggled. You tried not to cry as you shushed your daughter, rocking her back and forth in your arms. “Please, I don’t want to sedate you Rafael,” He dissolved into soft crying, but thankfully stopped thrashing around on the bed. “Okay, it’s alright. You’re alright,”

“Rafi, she’s fine,” you said gently, trying to get him to relax, “Just breathe baby,” He shut his eyes, growing unresponsive and just laying there as he cried. Dr. Sloan stuck around for a while, but Rafael didn’t say anything for a very long time. He simply laid there and sniffled, breaths hitching in his throat. Once you were alone with him, he eventually looked at you,

“I made her cry,” he whispered, sounding haunted, “I made her cry,” he repeated it over and over again.

“Raf--”

“No, don’t. I promised myself, I promised myself it would be fine. I thought I could--I made her cry,” he wouldn’t even look over in your direction, “I’m sorry,” After that he went silent save for the sounds of crying. You held Gabriella, unsure of what to say to him. Seeing him this worked up made you feel sick. You scooted your chair closer to his bed, patting his hand.

“She’s fine,” you said gently, “She was only upset because you were. You didn’t hurt her,” Rafael didn’t answer. He had an absent look in his eyes as he stared off at the wall. There was a knock on the door, and when you looked over, a very fit young man stood there with a cloth belt draped around his neck,

“Hi, I’m Alan, I’m here for Mr. Barba’s physical therapy,” he said, looking unsure of himself.

“Rafi,” you said softly, trying to get him to snap out of whatever this was, but he didn’t answer. Alan tried to get him up for close to a half hour, but he wasn’t having any of it. He wasn’t answering or looking at you. You stroked a hand over his arm, bringing his palm up to your lips. “Baby, do you still want to feed her?” No answer.

………………………………

Rafael’s brain felt like it was being overloaded and assaulted from all directions. He couldn’t take it. It was too much all at once. All he wanted was to hold his daughter and take care of her, but he couldn’t even do that. It felt like he watching himself through a movie screen. You were talking to him and he could see you touching his arm, but he couldn’t answer. For anyone else, it may have been traumatizing or scary, but this was by far not the first time Rafael had dissociated. He had spent many hours zoning out while his father abused him, his young brain working to shield him from the trauma. It had been so long since the last time it had happened, he almost forgot, but the memories easily came tumbling back into his mind. While this particular type of dissociation wasn’t unfamiliar to him and usually actually calmed him down as he could detach himself from the emotions involved, he had experienced dissociation that was terrifying where he basically lost time. The scariest moments had been when he was finishing up his JD at Harvard and he had a final. His father had called him and the next thing he knew, he was walking out of the test and didn’t remember one moment of it. There had been one time very early in his career when he had blacked out right before court because of the stress. Coming back in touch with reality and having no idea what he may have done or what happened was terrifying. He hated feeling out of control of himself and his surroundings. This though, this wasn’t so bad. He felt like he was in a movie theater watching life like it was a film.

* _Rafael was sobbing, snot sticking to his cheeks. His face was pressed into the comforter on his bed, his body quaking with the movements of his abuser. He couldn’t hold in his cries no matter how hard he tried. The push and pull burned, white, hot pain overwhelming every thought in his mind. “Rafael,” the gruff voice was harsh, “Shut up,” it was hissed in Spanish and accompanied by fingers jerking his head up by a handful of hair. His legs were about to give out, but it wouldn’t matter as the bed was supporting his torso, waist down, he was hanging off the edge. “You’re going to wake your mother,” That helped him to close his mouth. His Mom seeing him like this would be a nightmare, he’d never be able to look her in the eyes._

_“Papi,” he whispered, “It hurts,” his voice was soft, hoarse even. The movement stopped momentarily, giving him a chance to try and catch his breath. He heard a loud horking noise behind him and suddenly it wasn’t so dry anymore, but it was only going to last briefly and then he would be torn up and bleeding from the lack of lube._

_“Now quit your whining,” The pain, the nausea, the threats, they were all too much. Rafael gripped onto the sheets, squeezing his eyes closed, and when he opened them, he was huddled up in the corner. There was a man draped over a boy who couldn’t be older than ten. It was so wrong; he tried not to think about just how fucked up it was. The boy looked so small, so pale, a mop of black hair hanging in his sweaty face. The dark, crimson blood was startling on his skin.‘That’s me,’ he realized. That boy was him, but the pain was gone. He wasn’t feeling it anymore. Rafael curled up in the corner, trying to ignore the scene in front of him. Maybe he could just forget._ *


End file.
